My childhood was dark. But with God, I’m returning to painful moments and finding healing.
One such memory takes me back to our community pool in Sacramento. I can still hear my uncle calling me down to the deep end. I knew what would happen before I put my toes on the pool’s edge.
“Jump!” he’d say. “I’ll catch you.” I knew better. I also knew I didn’t have a choice.
Paralyzed by fear, I’d pee myself as I looked around, waiting for someone to help me. People were all around, but no one ever stepped in.
The look in my uncle’s eyes warned me not to scream or run. It also gave me a glimpse of what would be waiting for me at home if I didn’t jump. So I jumped—not because I trusted him, not because it was fun, but because it was what I had to do.
My uncle never caught me. He found joy in watching me struggle beneath the surface. When he couldn’t get away with it any longer, he’d pull me up, laughing like it was a game.
But it wasn’t a game to me.
Looking back, I see it for what it was. Moments like that were part of my uncle’s sick pattern to scare, confuse, and hurt me. Afterward, he’d take me out for pizza. That, too, was a game—feed me after breaking me.
I was only five, but I took it like a grown-up. Some part of me imagined that my uncle’s actions were a form of love. I also thought obedience was what I had to do to be cared for. My uncle always made sure my mom, sisters, and I knew that if it weren’t for him, we’d be homeless. We were a burden to him with a price tag.
I loved my mom and sisters, so I did whatever my uncle asked of me. I jumped so we could survive.
Encounters like this one, and worse, took a toll on my mental health and led me down dark paths. I thought my life was hopeless until I met the love of God.
God’s love changed everything. It taught me what love should look like so that I could receive it and give it.
So what does love look like? Love is kind and patient; it’s never rude or demanding. Love gives, heals, and helps; it never takes, hurts, or disappoints. Love strengthens, catches, and carries; it never fails, drops, or abandons. (See Deuteronomy 1:31; Joshua 1:9; John 3:16; Romans 5:8, 10:11; 1 Corinthians 13:4–7; Philippians 4:13; and 2 Peter 3:9.)
God and Jesus have demonstrated this type of love throughout history.
My walk with God has often led me to what feels like the deep end of a pool. And His love has asked me to leap by faith into waters too deep for me. At times, I’ve stood on the edge, paralyzed by fear. But somehow, I keep finding the courage to leap. In some strange way, what I experienced as a little boy developed a resiliency to jump and to keep jumping.
But you know what? Unlike my uncle, my heavenly Father has never asked me to jump so that He can hurt me. He’s never let me sink, nor does He find joy in my struggle. God—because He is love—has always caught me. He is with me and for me, and nothing can separate me from His love. (See Isaiah 43:2; Romans 8:38; 1 John 4:8.)
Perhaps past experiences have led you to a warped view of love. Maybe, like me, you didn’t have good examples of love, and as a result, you found yourself in painful places of survival.
There is hope in God. You can trust Him. God the Father is not like the people who have hurt you in the past. He won’t fail you.
He can’t, because in Him, there is no darkness (1 John 1:5).
JC ALMANZA is on a journey of learning and growing, experiencing mental, emotional, and physical healing along the way. He is committed to helping others find the peace and joy that has transformed his life. For more information, go to Wrong2Strong.com.
