A serious betrayal early in life messed up my thinking for years. I was just a sixth grader minding my own business when someone I trusted not only accused me of stealing but held me against my will, threatening me with jail if I didn’t confess.
As an 11-year-old straight-A student who never got in trouble, I was terrified, but I refused to admit to something I didn’t do. It felt like forever, but eventually I got to go home.
Like many people in vulnerable situations, I didn’t talk about what happened, but the incident traumatized me for years. Over time, determined that I would never let myself feel that vulnerable and unsafe again, I developed an unhealthy reliance on myself.
It was a survival mechanism, to be sure, but it only brought more harm. I would have to endure many trials before I finally came to the end of myself and let God take His rightful place in my life.
I graduated from Louisiana State University in 2002 and moved to Texas. There, I eventually landed my first job as a microbiologist and was determined to succeed. I loved my job and excelled. Life was good until the company was acquired.
My department avoided the layoffs at first, but in 2012, after nearly a decade of service and for no apparent reason, management eliminated my position. I felt humiliated as my former manager took my badge and escorted me to my car. I felt crushed and betrayed, just as I had as a preteen, by someone I trusted.
I pushed down the pain and went on with life. In May 2015, I married my husband, and right after our first anniversary, we found out I was pregnant. Excited, we arrived for my 11-week appointment and our baby’s first ultrasound. Our hearts sank as the monitor revealed our baby had no heartbeat. A blood test confirmed I had miscarried. I left numb.
I didn’t cry until days later when a nurse wheeled me into an operating room to have a procedure called a D&C. When the tears finally came, they wouldn’t stop. Another major disappointment struck my soul, and another pain went unaddressed.
While I didn’t have a close relationship with the Lord at the time, I knew I needed Him to step into my situation. I began praying for a child, petitioning for God’s help the way Hannah had prayed for her son, Samuel, in the Bible (1 Samuel 1:27).
God answered my prayers and granted me a successful full-term pregnancy. My husband and I welcomed our first healthy, beautiful daughter. I was grateful to God but didn’t learn to rely on Him. I got busy in my role as a new mother.
Eventually, my husband and I decided to have another baby. We got pregnant but suffered another miscarriage. It’s hard to explain the pain of losing an unborn child, but even if I could have then, I wouldn’t have. I just kept pushing through life. Two and a half years later, God blessed us with a second healthy baby girl. But I was no longer happy.
Day after day, life grew darker. And I grew more angry and bitter in my roles as a mother, wife, and career woman. I was lonely and discontented. And then, my friends began leaving, one by one. Before long, everyone I trusted and leaned on was gone.
It was this loss that brought me to my knees and caused me to seek God. I needed more than a quick answer to my prayer; I needed Him to show me what was happening. Why was I so sad? Why so angry? And why were the people I loved choosing to disappear from my life?
God met me right in the middle of my confusion and showed me that because of the past pain I had suffered, my heart had grown hard and distrustful. The walls I had built for protection were keeping even the people I loved at arm’s length. I reacted defensively toward anyone who got close. My strong, controlling personality pushed many wonderful people away as I desperately tried to protect myself.
In a pivotal moment, I realized these friends were actually drawing healthy boundaries for themselves. I wanted to feel offended, but how could I be? It took a good hard look at myself to understand that the real issue in my life wasn’t what others had done to me, it was me—I was the problem
But what hope did I have? I had no idea how to change or become a better person. And I was sure my changing wouldn’t bring the people I loved back into my life, so what was the point?
During this painful self-reflection, God stepped in and drew me close. I had grown up in the church and knew about Him, but I had never known Him by experience. This pain led me to Him. God opened His arms and welcomed me and all my hurts and problems.
I felt safe with God and prayed boldly to Him. I knew of King David’s prayer in Psalm 139:23–24, and it seemed appropriate for me. Search my heart, Lord. Know my anxious thoughts and let me know the parts of me that need to change for Your glory. I was serious—I needed God to show me what was happening and how my actions affected others and myself.
The first thing the Lord revealed was the unforgiveness in my heart. If I ever wanted to heal and be emotionally healthy, I had to forgive those who had hurt me. And if I wanted God’s forgiveness for my transgressions, I needed to forgive others for theirs. (See Matthew 6:14–15; Ephesians 4:31–32; and Colossians 3:13.) It didn’t matter if those past offenders ever apologized or acknowledged the damage caused by their actions; I needed to forgive.
God also showed me how, instead of looking to Him to meet my needs, I habitually filled the space meant only for Him with people, jobs, and status. It didn’t take a genius to realize that those things had only led to more emptiness. God wanted to give me lasting contentment and purpose.
God’s grace brought me to my senses just in time for the 2020 pandemic. The Lord was right on time to help me find my way out of this dark place. I would hate to imagine where I’d be had He not intervened.
God and I were still working on my identity crisis when an idea came to me about starting my own business. I didn’t know what that entailed, and I made my usual mistake of initially asking people instead of God for direction. Still, God worked through those people, and their ideas returned me to Him.
One of my friends suggested I encourage others through videos and inspirational posts on social media. Not long after, my ministry, OptimisticallyKe, was born. I posted my first inspirational video on April 16, 2021. Since that day, God has faithfully opened unexpected doors of opportunity. I have even published two books.
I want to point others to the Lord by sharing with them, through my posts, speaking engagements, and published works, what He’s been teaching me. I want people to know the power they can find in sharing their stories and that they can trust God to bring purpose out of things like betrayal, rejection, loss, and grief. God doesn’t waste a tear!
We can’t escape the pain of this world, but God promises that through His Son, we can overcome it all. With Him on our side, we are never defeated. Romans 8:37 says that we are more than conquerors in Christ Jesus despite the hard things.
The key to being victorious, though, is our being in Christ. Faith in Him is what gets us there. It starts with surrendering our lives to Him, including our pain. Have you done that? Have you opened your heart to Him and become vulnerable to His loving care?
You can trust God; you really can. Trials and disappointments can deceive us into believing that God and people don’t care about us and that our lives have no purpose—but it’s not true.
Don’t do as I did. Don’t let painful events and harmful people harden your heart. That only leads to more pain. Give it all to God. Cast all your cares on Him; He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7). And then, be willing to go on a deep dive of your life with Him. God will lovingly and patiently reveal hidden things that, when you deal with them, will bring you to a place of freedom.
God has great work for you to do for His kingdom. It’s not over. God can bring you out of that dark place and soften your hard heart. And if you let Him, He will use everything about your story to mold and shape you into someone He can use as a vessel for His glory.
Na’Kedra Rodgers is a Southern belle with sass. She enjoys empowering women as a speaker, author, and podcaster. Her mission is to inspire, encourage, and point lost souls to Jesus. Connect with Na’Kedra at www.nakedrarodgers.com.
