Resilience in the Valley

“The God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast” (1 Peter 5:10 NIV).

Resilience is the ability to bounce back after adversity. Life can hit you like a ton of bricks. I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Recently, it seemed that everything that could happen to me happened, all at the same time. Tuition increased at the daycare. All four tires on my truck needed to be replaced. The refrigerator stopped working. Between my husband and the kids, we had several trips to the hospital within a two-month period…and the list went on.

I was barely catching my footing from one blow before the next one hit. Life was getting the upper hand, and I was undoubtedly in the valley.

“Where are You, God,” I cried. “When will You show up for me? How long will I have to endure all this suffering? Don’t You think I’ve learned my lesson? Come on. I need a break.”

Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever questioned how long your storm would last? Have you ever contemplated throwing up your hands and saying, “I’m done. I’ve had enough. I can’t do this anymore. It’s just too much. I’m over it.”

Thanks be to God, storms don’t last forever. We suffer, but only for a little while.

I’m a living testimony that the darkest nights inevitably see the breaking of dawn. Don’t lose hope—God’s joy does “come in the morning” (Psalm 30:5). A brighter day is ahead.

Here are some promises that can help you through those dark valleys. They have helped me.

• God will give you His strength when you get weary. You will experience increased power after being weak (Isaiah 40:30–31).
• The trying of your faith will develop patience and the ability to persevere (James 1:3–4).
• God has already overcome everything the world and the enemy can send your way (John 16:33).
• God is always with you, and nothing can separate you from His love (Romans 8:38–39).

Don’t lose sight of these and other promises from God. They build resilience and will help you stay the course and keep the faith until the end.

Look back at all the storms you’ve encountered. They were bad, weren’t they? But look—you’re still here! You’ve made it through your trials before, and with God, you can do it again. You can overcome anything with God on your side (Philippians 4:13).

The valley you’re walking through won’t last forever. Take the journey with God,  and you’ll be stronger, better, and wiser than you were before.

What storms are you battling that have tested your faith or caused you to be frustrated, doubt-filled, or afraid? Give them to God. Cast every care over to Him because He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7). Trust Him as you face the storm or move through that valley. Take one step at a time. God’s track record is proven.

According to Psalm 34:17, “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles” (NIV).

Don’t ever stop praying to the Lord. Keep crying out to Him. Your words are not in vain. He hears you, and He will deliver you from all your troubles.

Na’Kedra Rodgers is a Southern belle with sass. She enjoys empowering women as a speaker, author, and podcaster. Her mission is to inspire, encourage, and point lost souls to Jesus. Connect with Na’Kedra at www.nakedrarodgers.com.

Finding Beauty In The Storm

He was a charismatic, energetic, young founding pastor, an evangelist who flashed a bright smile as he extended his hand to greet me. This man quoted scripture verbatim, prayed fervently, and executed his sermon deliveries and altar calls masterfully.

I was quickly captivated by his displayed passion for Jesus Christ and his love for others, and after a brief courtship, we ran down the wedding aisle. I couldn’t wait to be a pastor’s wife.

It wasn’t long, though, before I discovered a dark truth about my husband. He wasn’t at all who he appeared or claimed to be. Hiding behind clergy cloth was a pathological liar and a manipulative pedophile.

The coming years were traumatic on many levels. After three years of verbal abuse, multiple separations, and spousal abandonment, we divorced. My faith was shaken to its core; my heart lay shattered in a thousand pieces.

Deep inside, I screamed out to God. Where are You in all of this? How could You have let this happen to me? I am a woman of faith!

I loved the Lord profoundly and had served Him faithfully, and this was what I got? I blamed God for the horrible circumstances of my life—but they weren’t His fault.

The reality is that the Lord had sent me many warnings about my relationship with this man. They had come through the nudging of the Holy Spirit, certain events, and the words of my parents and siblings. Not to mention, an internal siren was blaring. My own gut instinct had warned me to run the other way. But I ignored it all.

I kept looking for the answer I wanted. When I didn’t get it from my usual sources, I turned to other people for spiritual advice regarding God’s will. One adviser laughed at me and scorned my concerns about my soon-to-be husband.

Trusting his judgment over those who loved me, over my own instincts, and over the Holy Spirit’s promptings, I ran mindlessly down the marriage aisle and settled in a place God never intended.

But now, on the other side, I can see my part in the story. Today, I own the fact that I contributed to my unhealthy marital experience.

If I had listened to the warnings, trusted God, and waited patiently instead of stubbornly pushing ahead, I could have avoided the intense depression, grief, and embarrassment I would experience as a minister of the gospel and church leader. I could have avoided the pain of our marriage.

Years of deep soul-searching and authentic self-reflection, prayer, and therapy have brought me to this realization. Thank God for His mercy. He stayed close and helped me navigate many uncomfortable emotions. With every step, He revealed His grace and unconditional, eternal love.

Today, I am healed because of God’s grace and my willingness to partner with Him in self-discovery. God has taken the ugliness of my life and turned it into something beautiful.

My decision to get married was a result of my naivete, my desire to be accepted, my fear and anxiety, and my low sense of self-worth and self-love. I had stopped trusting God’s plan and timetable for my life.

The truth is, I ran to the altar because, as a 28-year-old virgin with no social life, I was convinced no one would ever ask me to be his wife. Church culture had taught me that he—my husband—was supposed to find me.

I had been waiting and waiting, but with each passing year, I became more fearful and disappointed. Godly men came and went, but none chose me. So when this young pastor that no one knew expressed interest in me, I shoved aside the suspicions I had and ran down the aisle.

Why? Well, I could hear my biological clock ticking away. If I didn’t marry this man, surely I’d miss my opportunity to have a family. I was so afraid I wouldn’t have what I desired most—children.

I also ran to the altar because I wanted to be a preacher’s wife. Growing up in the faith community, I had witnessed women hitting the glass ceiling that prevented them from advancing in ministry. I was afraid that the scope of my ministry, though ordained by God, would be determined and severely limited by people in the church. I also knew that glass ceiling didn’t exist for women whose husbands oversaw the church, so that’s who I wanted to be.

I now know that my poor choices were the result of an unhealthy perception of who I was. When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see myself as God saw me—His beautiful, handcrafted work of art. I didn’t understand that God had masterfully created me in His image.

Childhood traumas and young adult experiences had left me unable to imagine that I was a person to be valued or loved. Despite my involvement in church and my desire to minister for God, I truly couldn’t see myself as someone He would treasure. I wasn’t good enough for that.

So I ignored the relationship standards I knew should exist and grabbed the first opportunity that looked like my dream.

I quickly knew that’s not what it was, but since I probably didn’t deserve love anyway, I accepted my lot in life. Absorbing my husband’s verbal and emotional abuse, I allowed myself to become a victim of my circumstances.

I settled in a place God never intended, far from those good plans and that hope-filled future I’d read about in Jeremiah 29:11. That’s what happens when a person doesn’t understand their worth and value. They settle in a dry, barren wilderness and lose themselves as they search for validation and acceptance from others.

On top of the difficulties in my marriage, I pressured myself to be what I thought a pastor’s wife should be. I wore myself out trying desperately to meet the expectations of others. And I constantly fell short.

And then one day, everything changed. I gave up the chase. I quit playing the victim card. I laid down all the things I thought were supposed to make me worthy and turned to the only One who could. That’s when God took me by the hand and walked with me through the storm.

The light of His presence overshadowed the darkness (John 16:33), and even though pain still existed, His love opened my eyes to the beauty of my life and the person He had created—me! Seeing myself through God’s eyes was the key to my healing.

So how does God see me? How does He see you? Let me share some of the healing truths I’ve found.

God sees a masterpiece, each person fashioned and formed in their mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13–16) by His very hands (Ephesians 2:10). God can only see beauty; He simply doesn’t make junk.

God sees people of purpose, filled to the brim with gifts and talents that can impact the world (1 Peter 4:10–11). When God looks at us, He announces to all creation, “It is good” (Genesis 1:31).

God sees His home in us. Second Corinthians 4:7 tells us that God places the treasure of His Holy Spirit in broken, messed-up us. And He lives in us (1 Corinthians 3:16).

God sees people who bring value into every space we enter. Jesus calls us the world’s light and says we are salt that brings flavor and healing to others (Matthew 5:13–15).

God sees people He loves, people who were worth dying for (John 3:16). Despite all the horrible things He knew we would do, God still sent His Son to die for us (Romans 5:8). This sacrifice demonstrated His love for humanity and affirmed our worth. Nothing we do or say will stop Him from loving us. Nothing can separate us from His love (Romans 8:38–39).

God sees the apple of His eye (Zechariah 2:8). This signifies His affection for us and the lengths He will go to care for us. He even calls us His friends (John 15:15).

God sees perfection; people in right standing with Himself (Romans 3:24), even with our flaws and shortcomings. He doesn’t see our sin; He sees the sacrifice of His Son. Our past, no matter how grievous and dark, was removed from us the minute we placed our faith in the work of the cross. (See Psalm 103.)

Throughout the Bible and history, God has declared His love for us and our worth. Isn’t it time that we start loving what God loves? Yes, I mean us.

Matthew 22:37–39 tells us to love the Lord with all our hearts and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. It’s the greatest commandment. But here’s the thing: we can’t love others unless we first love ourselves. Neither will we experience the fullness of His love unless we love ourselves the way He intends us to.

To love ourselves, we must embrace our identities, including our flaws, strengths, weaknesses, and experiences. God accepts us as we are, without limitation or condition. He expects us to do the same. Christ-centered self-love is paramount to the health of every relationship we’ll ever have.

Do you need help loving yourself? Ask the Lord. Meet Him at the foot of the cross where He paid the price to make you right in His eyes. There, lose the “strong Christian” facade. Talk to Him and surrender your self-hate, low self-esteem, distorted self-perception, and anything else preventing you from receiving His love and accepting your worth. Then rise and walk with Him into freedom. Take one step at a time. You’ll find peace and joy in His presence (Philippians 4:7).

Healing doesn’t necessarily happen overnight. Even a believer who fully surrenders to God and walks in His perfect plan may still experience a long, painful journey (John 16:33). But we’re no longer alone.

God promises to walk with us through every storm in life and to give us His strength to endure and wisdom to navigate. And along the way, He will heal every broken place within and reveal beautiful truths about Himself, your circumstances, others, and you.

His truth will help you recognize and reject unrealistic expectations. It will also help you embrace the accurate and relevant expectations founded in God’s Word. As you renew your mind with His truth, you will find yourself in the center of God’s perfect and pleasing will (Romans 12:2).

Unearthing the past and the things that made you who you are can be uncomfortable. But God and the loving faith community you surround yourself with will help you move forward.

It’s a journey, but it’s worth the effort. God can help you find beauty in the storm.

Essie Faye Taylor is a wife, bilingual author, educator, speaker, psalmist, and interpreter. As the author of the Finding the Love You Deserve series for women and teens, she is deeply committed to sharing the healing power of the gospel. Learn more at www.essiefayetaylor.com.

God’s Approval Is All That Matters

“The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?” (Psalm 27:1 NIV). The psalmist David was intimately acquainted with feelings of fear and rejection, feelings that started when he was a shepherd boy and stayed as he became king.

For instance, when the prophet Samuel came to Bethlehem to anoint the next king of Israel, David’s father initially excluded him from consideration (1 Samuel 16:10–11). King Saul later became so jealous of David that he tried to kill him (1 Samuel 18–19). Even David’s son Absalom conspired to overthrow David and assume the royal position of king (2 Samuel 15). Imagine how all that felt!

There’s no doubt that these situations hurt David. His writings often expressed his feelings of disappointment and sadness over the rejection he endured, but he had also learned to lean into his heavenly Father as a constant source of comfort and provision. Psalm 27 illustrates David’s confidence that everything he needed came from the Lord, not man.

The same is true in our struggles today to feel like we belong.

For most of my life, I went to extreme lengths to avoid rejection. In elementary school, I endured relentless teasing and bullying that caused terrible anxiety and daily panic attacks. Often, I would pretend to be sick so I could stay home and avoid the fear and loneliness I felt.

And then, in the third grade, I figured out a way to make the kids like me, at least temporarily. It turns out mean kids like candy, and they would leave me alone if I gave them some. Many were even nice to me all day.

So I started sneaking out my bedroom window at night and shoplifting candy from a grocery store near my house to take to school. I could’ve gotten in a lot of trouble for stealing, but the risk was worth it. Nothing was worse than feeling rejected. Talk about an early lesson in manipulating circumstances.

I carried that bad habit of people-pleasing into adulthood, doing things I knew were wrong so that people would accept me. I took crazy risks with my life and freedom and made foolish, impulsive decisions to avoid feeling left out or overlooked.

Those choices, of course, came with heavy consequences. Some even landed me in jail and prison. But no matter how hard I tried, my actions never won me the acceptance I craved.

When I learned that God loves me unconditionally despite my flaws, mistakes, and sins and that He loves me so much that He wouldn’t leave me that way—it changed everything! God pursued me throughout my life to adopt me into His family (Romans 8:16–17). I am a child of God, chosen, set aside, and called for His purpose. And you can be too. All you have to do is ask. It’s not what we do for God or others that puts us in the right standing with God; it’s all and only because of what Jesus did (Ephesians 2:8–10).

Moving away from people-pleasing has been a journey. It helps when I remind myself that seeking people’s approval hinders me from serving the Lord. Galatians 1:10 puts it this way: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ” (NIV).

Wholeheartedly serving the Lord is my greatest desire. I consistently evaluate my motives to determine whether what I am doing is for God’s glory or if I’m seeking to gain approval from others. I don’t want to harm my witness for Christ or contradict the way God calls me to live. My relationship with God is most important.

Besides, even my best efforts couldn’t gain the approval of everyone…and that’s okay!

I remind myself that even mature Christ followers can fall into the people-pleasing trap, and we must all guard against it. The best way to do that is to understand our identity as a child of God.

Search the scriptures to discover the many ways that you are loved and chosen by the Creator of this world. And then embrace a life free of the fear of rejection.

Christina Kimbrel serves as VL’s production manager. Once incarcerated, she now ministers hope to those held captive by their past and current circumstances while sharing the message of healing she found in Jesus.

Where Are You God?

I enjoy waking up early, packing a picnic breakfast, and driving to a spot where I can watch the sunrise. It’s a favorite pastime because God once revealed Himself in a most powerful way in that early morning sun. It happened during the painful, dark time of my son’s incarceration.

Being a mother of an incarcerated son wasn’t easy. I often encountered dark emotions and cried, “Where are You, God?”

I struggled to understand how He was working. I had so many questions, and with each passing day, I became more self-absorbed and less aware of His presence.

My son was housed in a prison less than an hour from my home. I did my best to visit him every weekend. Each Saturday, I left before dawn to secure a spot at the front of the visitation line so I wouldn’t have to sit in a waiting room and miss precious time with my son.

I don’t remember much about those early morning drives except being entirely absorbed in dreaded anticipation. Visiting my son brought so many varying emotions.

On one hand, I was grateful he was so close. Wrapping my arms around him and seeing that he was alive and well was priceless. But each visit also served as a painful reminder that he was in prison and that there was nothing I could do about it.

Each week, those encounters with prison life led me deeper into a sea of hopelessness. I wrestled against “what if” scenarios. The fear of the unknown was almost too much to bear.

“Where are You, God?” were often the only words I could muster.

God seemed absent, and I felt more distant from Him each time I drove away from the prison. I couldn’t feel His presence or see Him at work. Still, I knew God was my only hope of survival.

During this time, I was reading a daily devotional. One day’s entry spoke about the presence of God in our lives, even during our trials. Specifically, the author unpacked Ecclesiastes 7:13–14 (NLT), which says, “Accept the way God does things, for who can straighten what he has made crooked? Enjoy prosperity while you can, but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God.”

The author reminded me that the same God who is with me when life is good remains with me through my trials. That week, during my drive to the prison, God further revealed this truth.

I approached the top of a hill and saw the most beautiful sun rising over the horizon. The sky was ablaze with the most magnificent colors and draped with the backdrop of the rolling hills. Time stood still as I gazed at the beautiful scene.

Suddenly, a sense of peace overcame me, and I was no longer sad. As I surveyed the beauty of God’s creation, it hit me—He was present. Evidence of God was all around me.

I experienced Psalm 19:1 powerfully. It says, “The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display his craftsmanship” (NLT). How many times had I missed His glorious display during my drives because I was so focused on my pain?

I couldn’t wait to get to prison and share my experience with my son. He, too, needed to know that God was present. He hadn’t left us.

Shortly after that visit, I stumbled upon Luke 1:78–79. “Because of God’s tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace” (NLT).

I immediately remembered that morning when God’s tender mercies met me. The rising sun came to me from heaven and broke through the darkness of my heart. God shined His light on me and helped me find my path to peace. He can do the same for you.

Paula Fox loves the Lord and serving His children behind bars. She volunteers her time at Kairos Prison Ministry and Victorious Living.

Experience Your Ultimate Purpose

I was raised in the “holy land” of New Jersey, where there are more Jews than in Jerusalem. My grandmother escaped to America during the Holocaust with only my father. She’d had to choose one family member to bring with her; the rest of our family perished in Europe. I can’t imagine all my young grandmother had to overcome as she settled into a new and different country with other Jewish immigrants.

My father grew up and, in 1966, married a nice Jewish girl. I came along in 1974. Being Jewish was important to my family and me, as it was for others in our community. Growing up, I celebrated all the traditions and holidays of our people. I also attended synagogue and Hebrew school. At 13, I had my bar mitzvah and became a “son of the commandments.”

But my eyes weren’t set on following God and His ways; they were focused on the fame and fortune this world offers. In my teens, I took to the streets and, in the infinite wisdom of my youth, began to hang out with the high school DJ and the class drug dealer. Eventually, I dropped out of high school and became a hip-hop DJ.

By my early 20s, I was working at a large recording studio in New York City with famous hip-hop and rap artists. Surrounded by all those celebrities, though, I saw the futility of life and the truth that no amount of success or money can make a person feel good about themselves, loved, or secure in their worth and purpose.

These people had everything the world said would satisfy—money, power, and fame. They partied day and night, constantly surrounded by other people. Yet they were the loneliest, emptiest, and most dissatisfied people I’d ever met. I was young and impressionable but could see that the world’s offerings weren’t the answer to life.

Fulfillment, I realized, had to come from within. It was a matter of the soul. So I set out on a spiritual journey. I attended the local synagogue to study with my rabbi. I also studied martial arts, Eastern philosophy, and religion. I became what some call a Jew-Bu, a Jewish Buddhist. I spent hours every day, meditating and practicing yoga, until one day, something life-changing happened.

I was deep in meditation when my soul began to vibrate within me. Every cell of my body shook violently, and then, I lifted out of my body. I saw myself sitting meditatively, lifting through the roof and clouds, and ultimately rising into heaven. There I stood before a king, raised high. I knew instantly who He was and trembled in His presence and under His power.

“Jason,” Jesus said. “You are called to serve Me.”

The next thing I knew, I was back in my body, running around my house exclaiming, “I’m called to serve Him! I’m called to serve Him!”

“Serve who?” My mother looked at me like I’d lost my mind.

But I didn’t dare tell her; the name of Jesus was taboo in our home.

I had a Jewish friend who had recently come to faith in Jesus. He’d been telling me how he’d discovered the truth and, annoyingly, had been asking me to go with him to his messianic synagogue. Until this point, I hadn’t wanted anything to do with his newfound faith. But now I couldn’t wait to get to the service.

My heart leaped as the rabbi taught from the Word of God—both the Old and the New Testaments. His words came to life within me, and at the end of the service, I prayed to receive Jesus as my Lord and Savior.

My friend was overjoyed. He told me he’d been praying to lead one Jewish person to the Lord but never dreamed it would be me. I didn’t know if I should be offended because he’d been praying behind my back or because he never thought I’d be the one to come to faith.

The rabbi gave me my first copy of the New Testament. I took it home and hid it under my bed. (It would have been better to bring pornographic material into our home than a New Testament.)

Eventually, curiosity got the best of me, and I pulled it out from under the mattress and started to read. I was blown away by how Jewish the New Testament was. It spoke to my heart and confirmed that Jesus really was the One Moses and the prophets had spoken of.

My mother was sure I’d joined a cult. She told me repeatedly that I’d broken her heart by becoming a follower of Jesus. She made me meet with the Jewish rabbi at her synagogue. He and I had some interesting conversations.

Also devastated by my decision to follow Christ was my dear grandmother. She cut me, her only grandchild, out of her life; she even publicly denounced me as her grandson during a recorded testimony for the Shoah Foundation, founded by Steven Spielberg. She didn’t speak to me for years after that, not until dementia set in and she’d forgotten what I’d done.

As you can see, becoming a follower of Jesus came with a heavy price tag. Still, knowing from my vision that I was called to serve Jesus, I began studying to be a messianic rabbi.

Jesus had radically transformed my life by opening my eyes to Him (John 14:6). He’d shown me the way to true contentment and revealed my purpose and identity. An unquenchable desire to share Him with others burned deep within.

People in my community labeled me a traitor, ostracized me, and physically attacked me because of my faith. Despite the rejection, the threats, and even the beatings, I couldn’t keep the Good News of Jesus to myself.

Being treated that way by my family, friends, and community hurt. It did then, and it still does. But through it, I’ve experienced the presence and love of God in profound ways, and I’ve found my ultimate purpose.

Growing up, I was that awkward and uncoordinated kid. You know, the one always picked last for sports teams. Being rejected so many times as a kid had formed a belief in me that I was unworthy of being chosen or wanted.

Learning that God wanted me and saw me as worthy changed everything. He revealed this truth through the book of Numbers, where there’s an accounting (a census) of the Hebrew people. Through that accounting, I saw that every person has value to the Lord.

Interestingly, the Hebrew word for “count” means “to lift the heads of the people.” The children of Israel had been enslaved in Egypt, and as such, they were prohibited from looking into the eyes of their master. They had lost their identity and voice. God sent Moses to bring them out of Egypt and reestablish them for who they were.

Leviticus 26:13 (NLT) says, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt so you would no longer be their slaves. I broke the yoke of slavery from your neck so you can walk with your heads held high.”

God wanted His people to remember that He was their Savior and Deliverer and that they were freed children of the King. He wanted them to lift their heads so they could see and know their identity because identity is destiny.

I had struggled my whole life, wondering who I was, what value I had, what my purpose was. Why was I even here? One day, I was talking to the Lord about this when I heard Him say, “Jason, you’re My favorite son.”

I thanked Him; it sounded awesome. But…how could that even be possible? Then the Lord showed me that His love for me, as it is for all His children, is beyond comprehension. Unlike my love, which is finite, God’s love is infinite—He can have an endless number of favorite children.

It was an exciting revelation. But then the conversation got uncomfortable when God told me to go out and tell other people that I was His favorite. “No way could I do that,” I argued. “People would think I was crazy or prideful.” But God knew better.

“Jason,” He said. “The real reason you don’t want to tell people you are My favorite isn’t because you’re afraid of what they’d think or say. It’s because you don’t think you could be My number one son. Truth is, you don’t believe I could love you that much.”

He was right. I struggled to see myself as God sees me. Looking in the mirror, I still saw an awkward, always last-to-be-chosen dropout. And when I thought of my worth, all I could hear was my high school principal telling my folks that I was destined for trouble.

I couldn’t imagine that God saw anything different. Nor could I understand why He would choose me to serve Him. I had too many issues for that, I was sure.

Moses felt this way, too. Exodus chapters 3 and 4 tells us that he argued with God about his qualifications. But God wouldn’t be swayed. He wanted Moses, imperfections and all. Moses was God’s choice. God has always used imperfect, unqualified people to serve Him.

Interestingly, when God called Moses, the Lord told him to take off his shoes because he was standing on holy ground (Exodus 3:5 KJV). Did you know that the Hebrew word for shoe here is the same word for a lock?

God, in essence, was telling Moses to remove the things locking him out of his destiny. He was to stop looking at his faults and failures. He was to take off those things like he would take off a pair of shoes.

We all need to remove the locks from our feet so we can move forward with God into our destiny. Hebrews 12:1 (NLT) says, “Let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.”

Those locks and weights can be many things, but often, they include our limited view of ourselves. Like Moses, we focus on our imperfections. We agree with what the world has said about us. We don’t think we’re worthy of God’s love or being used by Him. But God says differently. He chooses people this world says have no value or power (1 Corinthians 1:27) and partners with them to do incredible things.

I couldn’t believe it when the Lord revealed His plans for me. I was a high school dropout with only a GED. But God didn’t see that as a limitation. He never sees limitations; He only sees potential.

God wants you to lift your head so you can see and know your identity as a child of the King. We’re the ones who limit our destiny. When we look at ourselves through the world’s eyes, we see only fault. With that perspective, we will never be anything more than what we see. We must look at ourselves through God’s eyes.

With God’s help, I’ve written several books, two of which ended up as New York Times bestsellers. I also travel the world, appear on national television, and teach people worldwide through my ministry, Fusion Global. And this high school dropout has a master’s degree. Who could have imagined? Certainly not my parents, principal, community, rabbi…or me!

But God imagined it, and He imagines marvelous things for you, too. God sees incredible greatness in you, but first, you must realize that your identity and value don’t come from your community, affiliation, possessions, or accolades. Your identity, value, and purpose come from how God sees you. And how does He see you? You are His number one son or daughter. Believe it!

To become His number one, you must first embrace His one and only begotten Son, Jesus (John 3:16). Only then can you begin to unlock all that being a son or daughter of God means.

So many people wrestle with their purpose and identity, but it’s simple. Your purpose in life is to be a son or daughter who accepts the love of your heavenly Father and walks obediently in relationship with Him. When you step into that God-given identity, you will discover your God-given destiny.

I know stepping into your identity as a child of God and following Him can be frightening. And yes, it will be costly. But being in relationship with God is worth anything that comes your way. Nothing the world offers can compare to what God has for you, His child. It’s all worthless when compared to knowing Christ (Philippians 3:8–10). Nothing you sacrifice can compare to what God has sacrificed for you (Isaiah 53). You can take comfort in knowing that God will never ask you to do anything He Himself is not willing to do.

Our Lord promises in Matthew 19:29 that anything you give up for Him in life will be returned to you 100 times over, and you’ll have eternal life. He also says in Matthew 5:10–12 that He will bless you when people mock you or lie about you or speak evil against you because of your faith, and that a great reward awaits you in heaven.

This life you are experiencing is not all there is. There’s so much more, and God wants to give it to you. The Bible is clear: God loves you and chooses you. The question is, will you love and choose Him in return? Only then will you find your identity and experience your ultimate purpose.

JASON SOBEL’s personal revival led him to pursue revival on a global level through his nonprofit, Fusion Global. His outreach reconnects Jewish and Christian followers of Jesus through relevant and inspired teaching. Jason works with influential creatives and collaborates with many spiritual, entertainment, and marketplace leaders His unique message empowers audiences worldwide to discover their potential and understand their full inheritance in Christ. To learn more about his outreach or his NYT bestselling books, visit fusionglobal.org.

Three C’s That Will Change Your Life

I am one of those strange people who enjoys performing under pressure. The only problem with that is, I often equate my worth with my performance, especially when it comes to my relationship with God. It’s hard for me to remember that He doesn’t love me for what I do or don’t do. He just loves me.

He’s had to remind me of this many times. “Kristi,” He’s said, “you already have My love and favor; you don’t have to earn that. It’s yours just because you are Mine. You’re My child; all I want is your love. Don’t worry about doing things for Me or making things happen. I’ve got you; just stay close, clean, and confident.”

Close. Clean. Confident. 

I call these my three Cs, and I’ve realized that as a follower of Jesus Christ, I must commit daily to stay close, clean, and confident if I want to live a victorious life. You’ll need to do that too. Here’s how you can successfully apply the three Cs to your life.

Staying close to God requires daily acknowledgement of who He is. We draw close by reading God’s Word, meditating on His truths, and trusting Him and His promises (Philippians 4:6–7). We also do this by talking to Him about what’s going on in our lives. Fellowshipping with other believers helps too.

We draw close when we snuggle up to God and rest in Him. I like to envision myself leaning into Him like a child does with someone they love and trust. That’s how God wants us to come to Him. He invites us to grab hold, climb on His lap, snuggle close, and rest our heads on His chest.

Of course, that can be hard for some people to imagine, especially if they’ve never had the loving lap of a father to climb onto or a safe place to rest their heads. They’re afraid God will reject or hurt them like people have done. But He won’t.

Your heavenly Father is calling to you: “Come close, My child. Don’t be afraid.” He’s inviting you to come boldly to His throne of grace where you’ll find the help you need (Hebrew 4:16).

Unlike people, God won’t turn you away or scold you or point out your failures. His throne is one of grace, not condemnation, hate, anger, or rebuke. The Lord offers a safe place, and His arms are open wide, ready to receive you.

“Draw close to me,” He says, “and I will draw close to you” (James 4:8). This is your promise—what’s holding you back?

Staying clean is a daily decision too. We stay clean by keeping our thoughts pure and in line with God’s thoughts and by abstaining from gratifying the passions of our flesh (Philippians 4:8). We can’t live with one foot in the Word and one foot in the world.

It won’t be easy, but God will help you. The closer you draw to the Lord, the more strength you’ll have to keep yourself clean and set apart for Him. In His strength, you can move away from the polluting things of this world and walk in integrity. Studying His Word and walking in obedience will keep you clean too (Psalm 119:11). The pure in heart see God (Matthew 5:8), hear His voice, and receive His blessings.

Finally, there is the matter of being confident in who God is and who you are in Him. You are a child of God. You are created in His image; and God doesn’t make junk. Learn to trust Him and refuse to be shaken by what you see or hear.

Never forget that the God in you is greater than the evil of this world (1 John 4:4). He has promised to be with you and to strengthen, help, and hold you up (Isaiah 41:10). You can walk with your head held high—He says so (Leviticus 26:13).

If you are in Christ, no man, no circumstance, no power of hell can defeat you (Romans 8:31–39). That’s a promise you can hang on to.

Draw Close to God in Grief

Intimacy with God is the deepest comfort in pain. God’s presence was nearly palpable after my husband, Dan, died. I constantly conversed with the Lord; His comfort was real and His counsel clear.

But what are we to do if God feels distant in our pain? Scripture promises that when we draw near to God, He will draw near to us (James 4:8). God’s presence is based on His character, not our feelings. God is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18), and that’s true whether we sense it or not.

Hebrews 4:16 promises that when we draw near to God, we will “receive mercy and find grace to help us in time of need” (NIV). We may not have chosen our circumstances, but we can choose to draw closer to God.

So here are ten practical tips to draw near in suffering:

1. Study His Word.God reveals Himself in scripture. The Bible isn’t just for learning about God; we can encounter Him there. Scripture is alive and active. It convicts and guides us, points us to truth, answers prayer, and transforms our thinking (Romans 12:2).

“All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:16–17 NIV). Time we spend in the Word will never be wasted (Isaiah 55:11).

2. Express gratitude.Gratitude opens our eyes to all God does in and around us. It helps us become content and trust God rather than groan against Him. We’re to give thanks in all circumstances; gratitude has tremendous power.

Jesus modeled a life of gratitude. Before feeding over 5,000 people with two fish and five loaves of bread, Jesus gave God thanks (John 6:11). Before raising Lazarus from the dead, Jesus thanked His Father for hearing Him (John 11:41). He even thanked God the night He was arrested (1 Corinthians 11:23–24). Cultivating intentional gratitude helps us draw close to God.

3. Lament.Lament is taking our complicated emotions and questions to God, leaving them there, and trusting God’s character and promises to provide the comfort and answers we need. We don’t have to hide our feelings or fake that we’re fine. God created us with emotions. Our emotions are safe with Him.

We find lament all through scripture. Hannah wept to God in deep grief over her infertility and barrenness. Job, Jeremiah, and Moses lamented to God in their situations. A third of the Psalms are psalms of lament that reveal how David and others took their difficulties and emotions to God. Lamenting isn’t crying out against God in bitterness or anger; it is crying out to Him as we draw near.

4. Pray.Jesus often went away alone to pray (Luke 5:16). He spent whole nights in prayer and prayed intensely before and after crucial events. Before He called the 12 apostles, Jesus spent the night in prayer. After feeding the 5,000, Jesus went up a mountain alone to pray. And before He was arrested, tried, and crucified, Jesus prayed vigorously.

The power and intimacy of Jesus’s prayer life must have caught His apostles’ attention because the only thing they ever asked Jesus to teach them was how to pray (Luke 11:1). Jesus never let busyness or pressing needs keep Him from prayer. While prayer may seem an obvious way to draw near to God, we must be deliberate in listening, lingering, and persevering in prayer.

5. Journal. Journaling helps us process our suffering. It unburdens the heavy emotions that weigh us down and untangles those negative thoughts that play on a continuous loop in our heads. For external processors like me, journaling helps me figure things out.

Whether you’re journaling to help you study the Bible or you’re journaling through grief to process your loss, the benefits of journaling are enormous. It helps us pause to capture what God is teaching us. It allows us to make fresh applications as we walk through the hard moments. It provides a place for regular confession, to record prayer requests and answers, and to write out scriptures we want to meditate upon. Grief journaling helps lower stress and boosts our mood. It is a safe place to work through emotions.

6. Praise and worship.The day my husband died, our house filled with friends and family. I’ll never forget the friend who announced, “We need worship music,” as she popped a CD into the player. Another friend later urged me to come and listen as my children and their friends were upstairs singing and playing guitars in worship.

Worship draws us near to God when we don’t have words. It reminds us of God’s truth when circumstances are screaming differently. It fixes our eyes on Him when we can’t see the way through, and it renews our hope as we anchor into God’s promises.

7. Tackle those thoughts.Our thoughts are a chief battleground when we’re in a place of suffering or grief. Fear, worry, doubt, regret, anger, bitterness, and despair can paralyze us and keep us from moving forward. Our emotions aren’t the problem; the problem is those emotions can stir up lies. Therefore, we must take every thought captive to God’s truth by letting God’s Word be louder than anything else we hear (2 Corinthians 10:5).

It’s a daily exchange of our thoughts for God’s thoughts. Philippians 4:8 tells us to think about “whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

Thinking about those things happens when we’re consistently in God’s Word and carefully choosing what we listen to, read, and view. Daily affirmations of God’s love and His promises help us through dark seasons where we must fight to focus on truth.

8. Regular rest.God knows that endless busyness and constant distraction keep us from abiding in Him. Rest is God’s command and His gift, so we can regularly refill and refresh. Grief is exhausting; it takes enormous physical, mental, cognitive, and emotional bandwidth. Taking time to rest physically is a must, but we must also practice resting our minds and emotions in God so that He can renew our strength (Matthew 11:28).
9. Go outside.God’s creation helps us draw closer to Him. Even as I write this, I can hear birds chirping and calling. It is a reminder that if God cares for the sparrow, He also cares for us (Matthew 6:26). We see God’s glory in nature, from the glorious design of roadside wildflowers to the roaring majesty of a rushing waterfall. Our Creator, who holds the world together, also holds our hearts together.
10. Community.We’re not meant to live isolated from others. The Bible tells us not to forsake our gathering together (Hebrews 10:25). The enemy knows how critical meaningful fellowship with godly friends and a church family is, so he works overtime to keep us from them.

While we don’t need a church service to worship God, gathering with other believers is irreplaceable. It is where we find encouragement and witness the body of Christ working together for God’s glory. Apart from this, we will also miss the accountability of community and sweet fellowship with others who live and love differently than the world.

Intimacy with God isn’t for a few super-spiritual people. God created us all for deep intimacy with Him. But a close relationship with God won’t just happen. While some of these practices may feel mechanical at first, push through the awkwardness. Seek the Lord. Go to Him in honesty. And give Him your whole heart again and again.

LISA APPELO is a speaker, writer, and Bible teacher who inspires women to deepen their faith in grief and find hope in the hard. Formerly a litigating attorney, her days are now filled with parenting seven children, ministering, writing, speaking, and running enough to justify lots of dark chocolate. Find Lisa’s encouragement for faith, grief, and hope at LisaAppelo.com.

The Beauty in Forgiveness

Pain. It’s the package God often uses to prepare us for His call on our lives, to order our steps down His path (Proverbs 19:21), and to reveal His true nature, character, and love. Without pain, we may not get to where God wants us to be. Sometimes, we must experience darkness and carry it in our souls to find true freedom.

I have suffered deep pain, but none like what emerged from my failed marriage to my best friend. I never knew that someone I loved and trusted and who I believed God had given me could create such feelings of abuse, rejection, hatred, depression, and a deep sense of failure and sadness. The mental anguish was staggering, and it almost destroyed me and others. I felt like a prisoner in my home, heart, and soul.

It wasn’t until I gave God the keys to my broken heart that I was finally free. He healed me and made everything new (2 Corinthians 3:17, 5:17). He gave purpose to the divorce and my struggles as a single mom and used them to reveal hidden resentment and hurt. He also helped me discover my true self and true love.

None of us enjoy pain. Let’s face it: misery doesn’t feel good. But if we process and journey through the pain with God, it can benefit us. It can even make us whole.

Many dark nights helped me learn who I was and discover hidden strength. More importantly, they helped me know who God is and who He has been my whole life. The Lord used every bit of pain to prepare me to be His beloved daughter and bride (Revelation 21:9).

I have been fascinated with God for as long as I can remember. My mom took my sister and me to church, and the things of God were implanted in my heart. I don’t recall my dad going with us.

Home life wasn’t bad, but Mom seemed unhappy. We had all the necessities, went on family vacations, spent many summers in Florida visiting my grandparents, and celebrated the holidays. I don’t, however, remember witnessing expressions of love in our home. I often longed for the warmth and comfort of a loving family.

In my early 20s, I learned that my dad had had multiple affairs while I was growing up. I finally understood the source of Mom’s unhappiness and depression. Before she died in August of 1990, I told her I would never get married or have children. I didn’t want the misery she had experienced being betrayed by the man she loved. But deep down, I still longed for family, closeness, and love.

I had big dreams as a little girl. I was smart, loved school, and read books of all kinds. I wanted to be a doctor. I’m not sure why, other than it’s what my dad wanted. He reminded me often to be independent, strong, and able to provide for myself. He warned me never to depend on a man. His words would become painfully true later in life.

I first met my husband in high school. There was something beautiful about him, and he became my best friend. We didn’t date; I wasn’t allowed to date. But we sure did talk on the phone, sometimes all night long. We had a deep connection, but after graduation, we went to separate colleges and grew apart.

I never considered that I would marry him. I didn’t want a family, remember? But God had other plans, as did my friend. He told me that God had told him I would be his wife when he first saw me in the ninth grade.

God, the marvelous worker of His plan for us, began to chip away at my lack of interest in marriage. One day in college, while lying across my twin bed, I heard someone utter these words clear and crisp, “I just want to be a housewife and a mom.”

I sat up, shocked, realizing that I was the one who had spoken, and with those words, I was suddenly filled with the desire to be a wife and mother. God had dropped it inside my soul.

I finished my college studies, and then, during the first Gulf War, I reconnected with my high school friend. I tell the love story of how God reconnected us through a series of dreams and events and the lessons He taught me through our journey in my book, Tomorrow Is Not Promised: A Personal Journey of Submission to Holy Spirit.

On a beautiful summer day in 1992, I married my friend, the man of my dreams. It was the happiest day of my life. Our marriage was a dream fulfilled by the word of the Lord, and we both knew God had put us together.

Our love story was so sweet and miraculous that I assumed our journey together would be blissful. I would have the family I wanted with the man I loved and live happily ever after. He would not do what my dad had done to my mom. No way. My man would honor our covenant and love me as he vowed.

We were married only six years, though, before the cheating started. Our first son was almost three when God revealed my husband’s actions to me. I was home in my bedroom when the Lord told me my husband was in a hotel room with another woman. I was in disbelief.

Not my husband, Lord, he loves me. He loves You. I asked God to change him.

But God didn’t work on my husband or fix him. Instead, He worked on me and told me to stand for my marriage. I didn’t even know what that meant! He also told me to forgive him.

For years, I refused to forgive. I was hurt and angry. My disdain for my husband increased as more affairs came. And then, when I discovered a mistress was pregnant, hatred roused in untold ways for him, the other woman, and God. I blamed Him.

God, You could have prevented this mess, but You didn’t. How am I to live with this revelation of a baby? What about our two sons? Do something, Lord! You gave this man to me. He was your gift. Fix this!

I became more confused, bitter, angry, and caged in by the day. I wanted to run, and several times I did. But God kept saying, “Go back home; I will deliver you in the fire.”

I don’t want to walk back into those flames, Lord. They hurt. I want You to fix my situation and my husband, to stop this nonsense and make it right. My sons and I don’t deserve this. 

But the cheating went on for 12 years, and I, like my mother, sank into deep depression. I curled up in my bedroom closet, daily hiding from the world and fighting suicidal thoughts. My husband was causing the most excruciating emotional pain and didn’t care. Who was this man? What had happened to my best friend?

There was no hiding from God, though. He climbed into the closet with me, helped me endure years of pain, and gave me the strength to stand. Day by day, He exposed the hurt I had been carrying since childhood and my feelings of being unloved by my father. God used my husband’s rejection to crush my heart so He could give me a new one.

On April 11, 2010, in the middle of the night, things came to a head with my husband. I watched him drive away from our home and leave behind me and our two sons, then 14 and 8, to be with his pregnant mistress, who was in labor.

No words can describe the loneliness and horror I felt as I kept the birth of my husband’s child a secret from our sons. I vacillated between guilt and anger and hatred to repentance. I often begged God to kill me.

I was devastated. God was my only hope of survival. I clung to God’s Word and kept reading His promises of making my life beautiful in His time.

When will that be, Lord? Pain crushed my heart.

“Forgive them,” the Lord kept saying. “Forgive and be free” (Matthew 6:14–15).

But why should I have to forgive? I hadn’t cheated. I wasn’t the one breaking up our family. I wanted the mistress dead and my husband to suffer. They had purposely hurt me and my children. I was convinced that the blood of Jesus and His forgiveness should not reach them. They needed to pay!

My hatred often led me to drive in my van for hours, looking for them. I fully intended to harm my husband and kill his mistress. God wasn’t moving fast enough for me. I would fix this situation myself.

The pain was unbearable and clouding my judgment. God’s grace kept me from finding them, or I would be serving a life sentence right now.

With time, God helped me forgive both of them from my heart (Matthew 18:35). And when I released my husband and his mistress from the debt I felt they owed me, God’s forgiveness released me. Jesus opened the door of my prison and set me free.

Today, on the other side of the pain, I know that, but for this journey of suffering, I never would have come to know God in the deep and intimate way I do now. God revealed Himself to me as father, husband, and friend. He was everything and everyone I needed. He still is. My painful divorce led me to know the One who loves me perfectly.

Through all the depression, suicidal and murderous thoughts, feelings of failure, and deep sadness, I learned to trust God’s unconditional and never-ending love. Through it all, despite my accusations otherwise, He repeatedly proved that He is a loving Father who jumps into our mess and helps us. I saw tangible expressions of my heavenly Father’s love and understood this important truth: I am His beloved.

My love remains strong despite the pain my husband caused our family. And even after all these years, I’m still standing and trusting God.

Being a single mom and divorcee wasn’t my dream, but as we all know, life is filled with unpleasant surprises. I’m sure you can name many painful experiences that have felt like nightmares for you.

I want to encourage you to forgive those who’ve wronged you. Give your anger to God and let go. Don’t become a prisoner to hatred and bitterness.

While you’re being honest with God, let go of your anger toward Him too. Give Him a chance to work in and through you. He will make all things beautiful in His time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

I wish I could say that forgiveness erases or explains a person’s harmful action toward you. It doesn’t. Nor does it make it right. But it will set you free and make you right. Forgiveness will give you a new life with the Beloved. I am living proof.

Dr. Stephanie M. Carter is an author and the host of her podcast Reveal. Her heart is to help hurting and broken women learn who they are in Christ. To learn more, visit her websites at revealedgrace.com and stephaniemcarter.com.

Trains, Bullies, Cops…and Jesus

The sun dimmed behind the approaching train. My heart clamored to escape my ten-year-old body as sweat collected under my nose. Bending my knees, I readied myself to sprint. I can make it, I told myself. Just one more second… Go!

That was a real train, and I did make it…but the adrenaline rush that followed ignited an insatiable desire to tempt fate that ran my life for a long time. For decades, I lived alongside the tracks where poor decisions are made. I knew better, but like Jacob in the Bible, I wrestled with the Creator of heaven and earth (Genesis 32:24). I wanted what I wanted, and I did what I had to, to get it.

Like Jacob before he surrendered to God, I too was a deceiver. I dodged trains, bullies, and cops with one goal: to get away with, well, everything. And all the while, I upheld a glimmering image of success.

Life on the edge was exhausting and costly—and then came the train I couldn’t dodge. The financial, legal, and marital problems I’d been ignoring all climbed aboard an express locomotive headed straight for me. I knew I was done. That’s when I remembered God.

Desperate, I closed my eyes and prayed, “God, if You’re real, snap Your fingers and make all my problems go away.” Somewhere in the depths of my toxic, deluded heart, I actually believed that when I opened my eyes, God would have rescued me…but He didn’t. He let the train wreck happen.

The God who could have changed everything, changed nothing. I ended up in jail, had to attend rehab, and paid some hefty fines. I wasn’t happy.

Sometimes it takes God a long time to do something suddenly.

God knew best because He knew me. He saw right past my lies and straight into my prideful and rebellious heart. He knew that unless I faced the hard consequences, I’d just keep jumping in front of other destructive trains.

My wild and rebellious ways emerged early in life, as you’ve read. I was a small, introverted, emotional kid with an oddly large head, and I received my fair share of bullying in school. That bullying led to more insecurities and an identity crisis. I fought back by setting out to be successful and prove my enemies wrong.

God planted a seed of success in the quiet characteristics that attracted bullies. They also grabbed the attention of influential people like the instructor of the Marine Corps Junior ROTC. He saw something in me and put me in charge of tasks and people. Leadership skills took root and grew.

Promotion came quickly. I was awarded the Legion of Valor Bronze Cross as the number one MCJROTC cadet across six states. I excelled in baseball and had excellent grades too. The odds for success were in my favor.

After high school graduation, I headed to Virginia Tech and enrolled in the Corps of Cadets where I quickly became an esteemed Cadre Corporal. But I had an issue with authority and lacked respect for the juniors and seniors over me. My bad attitude and rebellious spirit led to conduct unbecoming a Marine Corps officer.

During the summer of my junior year, I started drinking and drugging. Then, I started selling drugs and transporting trunkloads of the stuff across state lines. I was keeping up with the rich kids, and my grades quickly took a back seat to seeing how far I could push the limits. Criminal activity was exciting. College dropout became my identity; dealer my job title.

I became more confident and emboldened with every slip past the police. Like a gangster in the movies, I soon believed I was untouchable.

About that time, a girl I had met before my life of crime circled back into my life. Somehow, Sonia, a godly young woman, still carried the same admiration she had felt for me years before. We started dating in 2001.

Not long after 9/11, I had a startling brush with the law. Late one night, I was driving intoxicated from a bar to a friend’s house, when blue lights erupted in my rearview mirror. Seeing the repurposed CD case containing thousands of dollars of dope on the seat, I quickly tossed it out the window and pulled over.

I sat nervously in my seat while one officer approached the car and another searched the ground with his flashlight. Surely I was about to be handcuffed and hauled off to jail. The officer noticed the smell of alcohol on my breath and asked to perform a field sobriety test. Somehow, I passed. Leery of my sobriety, the officer instructed me to park my car and walk home since I lived nearby. I did, but my mind was focused on that abandoned coke every step of the way.

When the sun arose, I crept through the neighborhood and approached my car. There, in plain sight, was the case that could send me to prison. Paranoia hit hard. I was sure the cops were lying in wait, watching me through their binoculars. Only when I was confident the coast was clear did I approach my car, snatch up the case, and drive away. That train was way too close for comfort.

My new relationship with Sonia, the uncertainty of the country’s safety due to 9/11, and my most recent close call severely curbed my appetite for dealing drugs. I sold the rest of my stash and discreetly left the game.

Within three weeks, I enlisted in the Marine Corps but continued to party hard and get high. Somehow, I passed the drug test and was admitted to boot camp. While on active duty, I married Sonia, had two children, and tried to project success. I finished my undergrad degree and earned an MBA. I was drug free, but my alcohol issues had grown.

I was arrested multiple times for alcohol-related incidents while in the Corps, but the arrests happened off base, so the commanders had no idea. I was still playing chicken, still dodging those trains. I was eventually honorably discharged, but I left the Corps in worse moral shape than when I started.

Back in Virginia, life looked good…at least on the outside. I was a functioning alcoholic whose heart, ego, and soul were a mess. Within one year of being discharged, I had accumulated two DUIs, a show-cause charge, and multiple convictions…and I met that locomotive.

I know now that it was God’s grace that kept me from becoming a Marine Corps officer. I was too full of myself, thus unfit to lead. Pride worked like a cancer in my heart, affecting every decision I made and blinding me to the cloud of destruction looming over me (Proverbs 11:2; 16:5,18; 29:23). The fact that my marriage survived is a testament to God’s grace and the love of my wife.

Second only to the Lord Jesus, Sonia is the greatest blessing of my life. She loves the Lord and, for reasons still unclear, loves me. God called her into my life when I was at my absolute worst, and He used her to reflect the love of Jesus to me long before I came to know Him personally.

I didn’t make it easy, but Jesus kept her strong and committed to me even though I failed to honor her and our marriage vows. Sonia spent countless hours praying for me through my years of arrogance, alcoholism, and arrests. And it was her love that finally broke through to my rebellious heart.

The Bible says faith comes by hearing (Romans 10:17). It’s true.

Hearing about the goodness of God at home and witnessing His grace operating in Sonia’s life helped bring me to faith. So did the testimonies of addicts in Alcoholics Anonymous and other stories about God’s healing power. Hearing scripture built my faith too. I clung to 2 Timothy 1:7. It promises that I can have God’s power, love, and a sound mind for myself.

On January 24, 2010, I surrendered my life to Jesus. I left the world’s train tracks and sought God’s rails—His guardrails of purpose, provision, and protection. His line, narrow as it may be (Matthew 7:13), has led me down a path of life and success (John 10:10), instead of death and destruction.

God and His Living Word have transformed me—a prideful, selfish man with integrity issues, into a leader. He has blessed Sonia and me in the executive world and at home. Today, we have four children and both lead successful businesses.

My greatest privilege is teaching other CEOs, their executive teams, and business owners how to apply God’s Word and lead like Jesus in the marketplace. The guardrails God set out in His Word never fail to lead to success. (See Joshua 1.)

Maybe like me, you’ve spent years dodging trains. Trust me, the consequences will eventually catch up to you. There’s a better way. Get on the right track, God’s track. Purpose, provision, protection, and a host of other blessings like salvation, freedom, success, abundance, and a new identity are on His line.

Jerry Howard is an executive mentor, speaker, and author whose mission of God is to share the Gospel of Jesus and to “go and make disciples.” Jerry owns multiple businesses and founded iNTREPiD iMPACT Team, a comprehensive leadership coaching and business consulting agency. He is a licensed healthcare executive and has successfully overseen multiple post-acute healthcare centers. He can be reached at JerryHowardInternational.com.

Moving Beyond Justice to Mercy

Before we even knew God, He used a TV commercial about foster care to put His finger on our lives.

The commercial tugged on our heartstrings, and my husband Al and I decided to get involved. We had a safe home and lots of love to offer. So we said yes, filled out our applications, and in 1982, became foster parents. It was a life-changing decision because, over the next 18 years, we would foster more than 140 children.

At first, we judged and harshly criticized the parents of our foster children. We saw horrific cases of abandonment, abuse, and neglect. We weren’t interested in the parents’ lives or circumstances—to us, there was no justification for such evil. We assumed every parent was a drug addict or on the fringes of society.

Our attitude didn’t leave room for grace or mercy or forgiveness. But guess what? We had issues too, and God, who knew what they were, was about to shake things up in our home. Our hearts needed transformation and humility for where He would lead us (James 4:6).

Through a series of difficult situations and marital distress, God got our attention and brought us to Himself. Acknowledging our sin, Al and I both accepted Christ as our Savior and asked Him to renew our marriage.

As our relationship with Christ grew, it changed our approach to caring for the needs of our children and those we fostered. We could do more than just tend to their emotional and physical needs. We could care for them spiritually too.

The more we learned about God, the more we knew we needed to extend His love and forgiveness to the abusive and neglectful parents whose children we sheltered. God offers His forgiveness freely—who were we to decide who was worthy of His gift? We were expected to share the love and hope of Christ in whatever way we could with every person He put in our path.

But with some of the situations we saw, that was a difficult and confusing conviction. It seemed impossible. If that’s what God wanted from us, He’d have to teach us how to do it. So Al and I intentionally sought His heart in the matter, and as we did, God began to change us.

We’d been fostering children for about 14 years when we faced our hardest test. We had just received an infant into our home and were settling in with her when, a few days later, a Department of Family Services (DFS) social worker called, asking if we had room to foster the infant’s four older siblings. We were all about keeping families together, so this was an easy yes.

It was another yes that would change our lives forever.

Our home was joyful as the Bower children^[1] began arriving. There were squeals, giggles, hugs, and happiness as the siblings reunited over a week. The celebration continued until the last child, four-year-old Hannah, walked through the door on June 30, 1996.

Something about little Hannah immediately tugged at my heart. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I trusted the Lord to guide me in caring for her needs as I knew He did for every child.

Everyone adjusted to a new routine that included chores, family meals, and bedtime prayers. Going to church was a family affair. The children responded well to the hugs and affection that awaited them there every Sunday.

I was also volunteering as a lay chaplain in the local jail near our home. I was on call for any incarcerated person who requested a chaplain, and I taught a weekly Bible study to the women there. God had given me a heart for prisoners. I wasn’t sure how that fit in with the call to be a foster parent but trusted that God knew what He was doing.

DFS told us the Bower children would be with us through the fall, so we headed out for back-to-school shopping. Soon we were adjusting to yet another routine. As fall turned to winter, we were blessed to host the Bower children for the holidays.

It was heartwarming to witness the wide-eyed excitement of the children as their tiny hands helped us decorate for Christmas. When we opened a box containing our nativity scene, I shared the season’s real meaning.

“Do you all know what Christmas is about?” I asked.

“Santa brings us toys!” was the unanimous response.

“That’s one way we celebrate,” I agreed, “but it’s not the real reason. Christmas is when we celebrate Jesus’s birthday. He’s God’s Son. He’s the best gift of love we could ever receive.”

The children examined the ceramic nativity pieces curiously. Hannah held up baby Jesus and gazed at Him intently as if she could see something special. Help them to know You, Lord, I prayed as I watched them. Help their mother too. You are their only hope.

The Bower children had been with us for several months when DFS began approving visits with their mother, Karen.

I noticed a difference in the children even after short visits. The two older kids seemed fine, but the younger ones always returned withdrawn. Ahead of every visit with her mom, Hannah acted clingy and nervous. She pleaded with me not to make her go. It bothered me to see her so upset, but all I could do was share my observations with DFS.

Karen was providing a safe environment for the visitation, and there weren’t any visible signs of abuse, so the visits continued. Soon it came time for the first unsupervised overnight visit. I wasn’t surprised, but I did go into worry overload, especially for Hannah.

I prayed continuously during that first visit, asking God to protect them. When I saw headlights in the driveway, I ran for the door. Relief came over me as the children filed in.

Hannah beelined toward me, clutching a new doll. With a serious face, she told me she had fallen while bathing. “That’s how I hurt myself.” Her forehead and left eye were black and blue. “Mommy bought me this doll because I was so brave.”

The following day, I reported the incident to the caseworker. I wanted to believe that it was an accident, but I was skeptical.

There were no other injuries after that, but talking with Karen soon revealed a hidden resentment toward her child. One day, I got bold and asked Karen if she even wanted to raise Hannah. She assured me she did, and that’s where we left it.

Ten months later, DFS called, notifying us that a judge had ordered all five of the Bower children to be returned to their mother. There would be no gradual transition, which was unusual. I was to take them to her that day.

Somehow I gathered the strength to do the impossible. We finished dinner, then I steadied my voice and made the announcement. “Your caseworker called with some news. You’re all going home today.”

After dinner, I loaded the car with their belongings and drove to Karen’s house. Hannah’s cries got louder the closer we got. Through her wails, she begged to stay with me. I was helpless. For a split second, my emotions overrode my sanity. I thought of taking Hannah and running away. Then reason returned, and I knew my hands were tied.

My only choice was to surrender her to God and give her back to her mother. Before I left Hannah, I reminded her to pray. “Call on Jesus. He will never leave you,” I whispered. Our eyes met as I hugged and kissed her goodbye. I sobbed all the way home.

For a while, I stayed in contact with the family. I made excuses to visit, taking meals and gifts over in hopes of seeing Hannah—only she was never there. Every time, Karen told me she was at a friend’s or with her father or somewhere else. Eventually, she told me that Hannah had gone to live with a relative for a while.

I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. So many times, I prayed. I don’t know what to believe, Lord. I have to trust that Your hand is on Hannah. Please be with this family.

But God made Himself clear. The door was closed. It was time to let go.

Several months later, I was surprised by a call from a new DFS caseworker. She inquired if I knew how to contact the relatives of the Bower children. Karen was in jail and on her way to prison. DFS was trying to locate two of her children to place them in foster care. They were missing. Before the caseworker could say their names, my heart shattered. She confirmed it was Hannah and her younger brother.

That same day, the caseworker filed missing persons reports for both children. Four days later, she called again. DFS had located Hannah’s brother with a relative. Then she told me that they had also found Hannah. I braced myself for the worst, but I wasn’t prepared.

“The police discovered Hannah’s decomposing remains in the garage at the Bower home. She was wrapped in plastic garbage bags.”

I don’t remember much of what the caseworker said after that. I was struggling to breathe. Jesus, please, no. Not my sweet Hannah.

I broke the news to my family, and we cried and held each other the rest of the night, trying to make sense of something for which there was no explanation. I teetered between sorrow and rage, questioning God, demanding answers on how He could let such a tragedy happen. At the same time, I leaned on Him for strength. I was so confused.

The next time I answered the phone, I was horrified to hear a recording announcing it was from the local jail. And it was Karen. How dare she call this house! I didn’t want to take her call, but the Holy Spirit was urging me otherwise. No way, I thought. Lord, I don’t want to talk to her! I pleaded, but He did not relent.

I trembled at the sound of her voice. Karen wanted me to visit her. Are you crazy? I shouted at her in my head. God, I can’t do this!

Gently, the Holy Spirit showed me that I did have a choice. I could be an angry, brokenhearted foster mother demanding justice for this tragedy. Or I could be for Karen the same caring chaplain and ambassador for Christ that I was for any other person who called. But I couldn’t be both. At least not visibly.

That night when I checked in at the jail for the chaplaincy visit, I felt ashamed to say the name of the person I was visiting. It was a high-profile case, and I didn’t want anyone to know I was there to see the person who had committed this crime.

Karen entered the visitation room, and a long silence followed. Then she told me she had confessed to Hannah’s murder. She had done it ten months earlier. I listened in horror as she recounted the details of her crime. It was all I could do not to get up and run screaming from the room.

As the visit was ending, Karen informed me that she was facing the death penalty, and then, almost as an afterthought, added, “Oh, I’m five months pregnant.”

I left the jail in a shambles with no intent of returning. I felt like Jonah in the Bible when God called him to minister to Nineveh. Being swallowed up by a big fish seemed like an excellent alternative to doing what God was asking of me in this situation. At least there I could mourn and grieve in peace.

But God would not let me run away. Instead, He prompted me to visit Karen again after Hannah’s funeral.

She was waiting with a question. “Is there forgiveness for what I’ve done?”

I gulped. “Whose forgiveness do you want?” She didn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve mercy or grace either.

I was relieved to hear she wanted God’s forgiveness and not mine. I had to pray for the Lord’s help, but as I did, the Holy Spirit took over. My grief and anger melted away for the moment as He gave me the words I needed.

“Yes, Karen. God will forgive you, even for this. But only through Jesus.”

With tears streaming down her face, Karen told me she wanted that forgiveness and to find hope through Jesus. I held her hands and led her in a short and simple prayer. I left the jail confident that her decision for Christ was real and sincere.

As I drove away from the jail, however, anger and grief washed over me again. I went home to tend my broken heart and grieving family. I wanted so badly for all of us to heal and for things to return to normal, but I couldn’t even remember what normal looked like anymore. And I wanted justice for Hannah.

Before her trial, Karen approached me with an extraordinary request. She wanted me and Al to adopt her unborn baby. “I know it’s the right decision,” she said. “I know how much you all loved Hannah.”

I believed the sincerity in her voice, and I knew the alternative was that DFS would take the child into custody at birth. After much prayer and tears, we agreed. In the spring of 1999, the adoption was final.

After so much suffering and sorrow, God used a beautiful baby girl to bring healing, joy, and life back into our family. She is a grown woman today and a constant reminder of how God truly does exchange beauty for ashes (Isaiah 61:3) and brings purpose to pain.

Karen is serving a life sentence and continues to seek God. She ministers to other inmates when they are interested. I am still in contact with her, and over the years, our relationship has evolved into a friendship. Every time I visit her, I am more amazed at her transformation and spiritual maturity.

I no longer stand in judgment of Karen. She is my sister in Christ. Romans 3:23 says, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (NIV). Jesus shed His blood even for a sin as senseless and horrific as Hannah’s murder. God, in His mercy, has forgiven Karen. He’s also forgiven me of my own sins. Who am I not to forgive?

If someone had told me at the time that God could take such a painful and sometimes unbearable situation and assign it eternal purpose, I would have either laughed or wanted to throw something at them. I have since spent countless tear-soaked hours at His feet, and as I poured out my despair, confusion, and need to Him, God has changed my heart.

My experience as a foster parent, including what happened to Hannah, will not be wasted. It has inspired me to start a nonprofit organization that aims to open the McKenzie Home, Wyoming’s first transitional home that will focus solely on the needs of single mothers and their children. It will be named after my granddaughter, whom we lost to cancer in 2019.

The McKenzie Home will offer single moms from all walks of life access to the resources they need to get on their feet and provide a stable home for their families.

During one of our visits, I shared my excitement about the project with Karen. Her enthusiastic response encouraged me. Then she said,  “Maybe if there had been something like that before—”

We’ll never know the answer to that, but I am hopeful that the McKenzie Home will help prevent more tragedies like the one that took place in the Bower family.

We’ve acquired an old burned-down school building that will be completely rebuilt from the ground up. I find that fitting since that’s exactly what God will be doing in the lives of the women and children who walk through the doors of the McKenzie Home.

Despite a daunting estimated price tag for what looks like an impossible project, my faith is firmly anchored, and my heart is wholly committed to completing this next assignment. Planning and fundraising for the McKenzie Home is underway, and many people have joined me on the mission, certain that, since God has called us to it, He will provide and carry us through. I know firsthand what God can do when I place the impossible into His hands.

That impossible thing you’re facing is not beyond the reach of God’s miraculous, all-sufficient grace. Take it with you to the throne of our Savior (Hebrews 4:16). Hand it over to Him in exchange for His grace that will overflow into every area of your life. Every sin will be washed away, and you will be able to do hard things too. God’s grace is available to all who call on the name of Jesus (Romans 10:13). And that call is all it takes to move beyond justice to mercy.

^[1]  All names have been changed for privacy purposes and to protect the innocent.

DEBRA MOERKE loves spending time with her husband, Al, six children, and nine grandchildren. As a Christian author and motivational speaker, she testifies to God’s goodness by sharing biblical principles and personal stories from her life. She is the founder of the McKenzie Home; a transitional home being developed to serve single moms and their children in Wyoming. To learn more, visit debramoerke.com.