A Lifer Set Free

I did not believe that God was real. From the time I was a kid, I had been dealt one painful blow after another, and if He was real, He sure wasn’t showing up in my life.

Alcohol abuse was rampant in my childhood home. My parents eventually divorced because of it, and when my alcoholic father married another alcoholic, I became vulnerable to a family member who molested me until I left home at 18.

Carrying around this family secret was hard. I was angry yet deeply ashamed of what had happened to me. Over time, those emotions became bitterness, and the poison of unforgiveness seeped into my heart and mind.

When I was 10, my stepmother swore off alcohol and started taking me to church. At first, I found comfort there and protection from my problems at home. I threw myself into all the activities the church offered, including going through the motions of being baptized. As I got older, I even helped in Vacation Bible School and worked with the youth. But I had no relationship with God.

While church felt like a safe place, it was only a temporary haven—I always had to return home to the abuse and chaos. I needed more than a place to hide.

Life grew harder as my eccentric stepmother became increasingly religious and controlling. She threw away all my cute clothes and forced me to wear only pants or dresses that covered my knees. I couldn’t even wear a bathing suit to the pool.

I couldn’t wait to escape. Upon high school graduation, I left home and ran straight into the arms of a man I thought would love and protect me. We were married two months before my 19th birthday without the support of my family.

Three months in, I knew I had made a horrible mistake. My husband grew increasingly abusive and controlling, and I had nowhere to turn for help. Still, I was determined to make our marriage work. Looking for more ways to control me, my husband next targeted my involvement with the church and refused to let me have a Bible.

I quit going to church and praying. It wasn’t doing any good anyway. Things got worse, and my heart grew hard. Blaming God for everything that was wrong, I washed my hands of Him and walked away.

I embraced and nurtured my victim mentality until the day I decided to eliminate the source of my current pain—my husband. He had controlled and abused me for seven long years, but we’d just had a baby. He wasn’t going to hurt her.

I bought a gun and waited for my chance. It came when he was released from jail on probation for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon on another woman. I seized the opportunity. I shot and killed him.

But the pain didn’t stop; it intensified. Especially when, at 26, I was arrested for murder and sentenced to life in prison.

That was the darkest day of my life. My daughter—my only child—was nine months old. She had not even taken her first steps. That was the first of a multitude of milestones I wouldn’t see.

Knowing I had lost my daughter forever, I descended into depression. I was a lifer; what hope did I have?

I thought about turning to God, but my angry and bitter heart refused. “God hasn’t done anything for you,” I told myself. “He doesn’t want to have anything to do with you either. He’s mad at you. That’s why He’s allowed all these terrible things to happen in your life.”

I believed those lies and continued to run from God, the only One who could light up my darkness (Psalm 18:28), heal my broken heart, and set me free (Isaiah 61:1).

In prison, many people went to chapel, but I refused to go. I wasn’t about to sing praises to a God who was the reason I was locked up. Well, maybe He wasn’t the reason, but He certainly hadn’t stopped it from happening.

Funny though—even while I was running from God, He was still chasing after me. Something, some little voice in my head, kept challenging me to do more than merely exist in prison. I needed to prepare for the future. (What future?)

God was guiding me, but I didn’t know it yet.

I noticed how girls all around me in prison were getting hooked, overdosing, and dying. I didn’t want that to be my story, and my spirit rose up to fight.

That’s not common for a lifer. A life sentence in prison feels as much like a death sentence as the real thing. It’s hard for someone with that sentence to find purpose in continuing to live, and it’s easy for them to fall prey to Satan’s lies. Convinced that they have nothing to live for and nothing to lose, they give up and act out.

I started in that direction, but God kept whispering to my soul. I didn’t want to admit it, but I found myself hoping against all hope that my life had purpose. I even believed I might be released one day, and I began preparing myself for that possibility.

I got an education. Attending classes was exciting, and it wasn’t long before learning became my drug of choice. I devoured everything I could. As soon as I finished one program, I started a new one.

Many lifers thought I was crazy. They didn’t understand the hope in me. Even my friends told me I was stupid and to give up. I told them, “God’s going to open the doors for me one day and let me go. He won’t be mad at me forever.”

These are interesting words from someone who’s running from God, I know. But something in me knew He was real. I just wasn’t ready to acknowledge it all the way.

Staying busy helped the years go by more quickly. Finally, in 2017, I was allowed to go before the parole board. I was elated when they told me I’d be released in six months. All my hard work had paid off; I was going home!

But six weeks before my release date, the board decided that I would have to complete a two-year faith-and-character program first. I was livid. “They can’t make me do this faith-and-character crap,” I shouted to anyone who’d listen. “Where’s my freedom of religion?”

But the program was required, and if I wanted to go home, I’d have to do it. So, reluctantly, I signed up.

The intense training plus the job I was working wore me down. There were 479 women on the compound, and I oversaw all their laundry. It was exhausting, and one day, feeling like I didn’t have the strength to take another step, I nearly collapsed.

Feeling drawn to the vacant chapel, I went inside. Before I knew it, I was face-down on the floor, my arms outstretched. Years of remorse poured out of me as I cried out to God.

I began apologizing for my anger, for blaming Him for every bad thing in my life, for refusing to go to chapel, for not praying, and for everything else I could think of. I admitted I had purposely been running from God my whole life.

“Oh, Lord, forgive me,” I begged. “Help me, please. Take control—I can’t do this anymore. I need You. Take my life; it’s Yours. Whatever You ask, I’ll do it.”

An inexplicable peace (Philippians 4:7) and an unfamiliar rest (Psalm 73:26) settled over me. Somehow, the song “My Life Is in Your Hands” by Kirk Franklin filled the empty chapel, and I looked around in awe. God’s strength filled my soul (Isaiah 40:29; 2 Corinthians 12:8–10), and I knew that God would lead me home.

In June 2019, the State of Florida granted me parole. At 53, I was finally a free woman.

Being home after decades of living behind bars was challenging. So much had changed in 27 years. I had to learn about email and cell phones and computers. Surprisingly, I had to learn how to make decisions again too. Even ordering a fast-food meal was overwhelming—there was so much to choose from. Deciding what to eat after being fed routine meals for decades practically gave me a nervous breakdown. Only through the grace of God did I overcome my anxieties.

When you leave prison, you have to start from the bottom and work your way up. That’s a challenging task if you don’t have money, support, or transportation. But God provided.

My first job was at a grocery store. I walked five miles to and from work every day. God impressed on my heart to stay faithful and do whatever was in front of me for Him, not for other people (Colossians 3:23). As Paul says in 2 Timothy 4:7, I kept fighting the good fight of faith and trusting the Lord.

Trusting Him, though, required obedience too. Through studying the Bible and praying, I realized that I needed to forgive those who had hurt me. Hebrews 12:15 taught me that a bitter root allowed to grow would “cause trouble and defile many” (NIV). Matthew 6:15 taught me that I couldn’t receive God’s gift of forgiveness if I harbored hate.

It took time and commitment, but God helped me let go of my bitterness toward my childhood abuser and completely forgive him—even though he has yet to apologize. God also helped me forgive my husband who had abused me so badly. Only the Lord could infuse me with this spirit of forgiveness and love.

Family members witnessed my life transformation and began their own journeys with God. He challenged them with the same command to forgive. It took some time, but my daughter extended the gift of forgiveness to me. We now have a flourishing relationship.

Watching my daughter’s faith unfold has been a beautiful gift. She was 27 when I was released and understandably angry. Forgiveness restored our relationship; it set us both free from the poison of hate and bitterness.

I don’t know of any other person on life parole with a volunteer identification number, but now I return to prison to share the transforming power of God’s love and forgiveness with those who are still there. With God, anything is possible (Matthew 19:26).

If you had told me I’d (willingly!) return to prison after living behind bars for 27 years and 30 days, I would have said you were crazy. But I go every opportunity I have. I want everyone there to know they can be free—even if they never set foot in a free society again. A prison number or the length of one’s sentence doesn’t define a person’s worth. God does.

I was so scared the first time I went back into prison to speak. I pulled into the parking lot and sat in my car, crying. The warden called, wondering where I was. “I’m here,” I told her. “But I don’t know if I can do this. I’m scared to death.”

She came outside, wrapped her arms around me, and prayed. Peace and courage filled me, and we went inside. I was given visitor’s badge number 53. I cracked a smile. I was 53 when I walked out of those prison walls. It was a God-wink, for sure.

It’s been almost five years since I was released, but the truth is, God’s redeeming love, grace, and forgiveness had set me free long before I exited those prison gates. I can’t begin to count all God’s blessings. Every day, I wake up with a grateful heart—even through the struggles. I’ll forever praise God for lifting me from that bottomless, despairing pit of hate and unforgiveness that almost consumed me.

Please don’t let bitterness or hatred consume you. Satan wants you to be a lifer in a prison of despair—regardless of which side of a physical prison wall you live on. Don’t do it! Instead, let go of those consuming emotions. Forgive those who have hurt you, even if they never ask for your forgiveness. This isn’t about them. It’s about you being free. When Jesus, the Son of God, comes into your life, He sets you free no matter where you are (John 8:36).

It’s time to choose freedom. “The Lord is a God of justice,” Isaiah 30:18 says. “Blessed are all who wait for him” (NIV). Put those who hurt you in God’s hands and let them go. Then you can embrace His abundant life (John 10:10).

MARIANNE VAN DONGEN frequently returns to the same prison where she was incarcerated for 27 years, ministering to women through the Jesus Infusion (thejesusinfusion.org). She also volunteers with parole and probation programs and at various correctional institutions, helping persons who are reentering society to successfully complete the parole and probation process.

Managing Stress

We all encounter difficulties that cause stress. Jesus even promised it (John 16:33). Stress can come through difficult people, circumstances, and changes in this world. Even good things can create stress.

Stress can lead us down two paths: one of painful unrest or one of peace. Our response to stress determines our destination.

For many, stress leads to painful unrest. This creates a loop of anxiety, fear, depression, physical sickness, obsessive thoughts, and straight-up panic. It’s a helpless and hopeless place to be.

Some of us have operated in that realm of toxic chronic stress for so long we aren’t even aware of it. It’s all we’ve known. Others recognize the stress but have no idea what to do about it, so they continue in it and just become more stressed about the stress.

For the first 37 years of my life, before I met Jesus, I lived in a state of toxic chronic stress. I sought ways to manage the difficulties I faced and the emotional pain I felt but failed to find any healthy solutions. The unhealthy, worldly solutions I did come up with only brought more stress and damage to me and those I loved.

I became bitter, not better.

Stress impacted every area of my life—spiritual, mental, emotional, physical, financial, and relational. Because of the way I handled it, I ended up alone, broken, and desperate in a pit of incarceration and addiction.

Jesus redeemed me from that pit, but staying out of it has required me to learn new ways to manage life’s stressors.

Learning to properly manage stress is the key to staying out of life’s pits. Satan wants us to be overcome by stress, but the Lord wants us to overcome it with His rest. Whew, that’s a mouthful! Read that truth again.

God cares deeply about what stresses us. He knows that anxiety and unrest can imprison His children if we ignore them. Satan knows it, too, and he takes advantage of it every chance he can. Satan knows that if we don’t properly manage stress, we lose sight of God and His promises. We take matters into our own hands and become defeated, discouraged, anxious, fearful, and bitter.

Stress disrupts the shalom of God. Shalom is a peaceful resting in Him, His promises, and His ways. God has good plans and purposes for all His children (Jeremiah 29:11), but to experience them, we must learn to manage stress.

To do that, we must first identify our triggers—the situations, people, places, and things that lead us into a state of unrest. These are different for everyone. Haggai 1:5 says, “This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies says: Look at what’s happening to you!” (NLT).

We can prepare for and cope with stressful encounters only when we know our triggers. That takes intentional monitoring of our thoughts, emotions, and reactions.

Upon examination, we might identify a particular situation or person that causes us to worry or become obsessively concerned about things outside our control. Maybe we get defensive when someone says something to us, and we immediately argue or fight instead of considering their words.

Maybe we run away instead of facing the thing or person that’s bothering us. For me, I know that in uncomfortable situations, I freeze and am unable to respond appropriately.

Once we identify our stressors, then we determine the underlying reasons for them. This will take some soul searching with God (Psalm 139:23–24). There’s always a deep-rooted reason for a reaction. Sometimes professional counseling is needed to work through this—and that is perfectly okay.

Once we know our triggers, then we can identify a better way to react to them that will promote the peaceful rest, healing, and wholeness God desires (Psalm 37:8).

Since we will never eliminate every stressor, learning to cope with them is a must. It’s best to seek a holistic plan that provides care for the whole being—body, mind, and spirit. God created humans as three-part beings (1 Thessalonians 5:23). If any part of our being is out of balance, it will impact the others.

Taking intentional care of our whole being is God’s will for our lives; He desires every part of us to be healthy (3 John 1:2). Our bodies are the temple of God (1 Corinthians 3:16–17; 6:19–20). Think about that—if you are a believer, God lives in you! Knowing this should cause us to treat ourselves well. Making self-care a priority is not selfish but sacred.

We care for our bodies by eating healthy, getting adequate sleep each night, avoiding harmful substances, and exercising regularly as we are able. We care for our minds by monitoring our thoughts and identifying the negative  ones.

I know that my mind is a scary place when left wild and untamed. Negative thoughts create crippling unrest and impact both my soul and body. That’s Satan’s plan (John 10:10). Only by changing the way I think can my unrest be transformed into rest (Romans 12:2).

I like to use relaxation techniques like deep breathing and taking a time out when I’m stressed. It’s difficult to make good decisions when my mind is running in circles. I must calm and quiet myself (Psalm 131:2). Learning to avoid those impulsive reactions isn’t easy, but it’s worth the effort.

My relationship with God is a lifestyle, not a diet. It is a personal and ongoing journey. It involves intentional choices and a commitment to nurturing spiritual well-being amid life’s challenges and joys. My relationship with God is, in fact, my personal life support system.

Meditating on God’s Word comforts me and helps me find a fresh perspective. God and His Word are my source of life (John 14:6) and hope (Romans 15:13). He is my ever-present help in times of trouble (Psalm 46:1).

The chart below contains 12 biblical truths I lean on when I’m stressed.

1. God is with me and will not abandon me in my stress. Isaiah 41:10, Matthew 28:20; Hebrews 13:5
2. God sees and understands my stress. Genesis 16:13; Psalm 10:14; Psalm 33:18
3. God wants to give me peace when my heart is troubled. Isaiah 26:3; John 14:27
4. God wants to carry my burden and give me rest. Psalm 4:8; Hebrews 4:9–11
5. God wants to guide me when I am too stressed to make decisions. Psalm 32:8
6. God wants to strengthen me when I am weak and weary. Isaiah 40:29; Matthew 11:28
7. God wants to deliver me from my stress. Psalm 24:4–5; 107:6; Isaiah 41:10
8. God wants to comfort me in times of stress. Isaiah 51:12; 1 Peter 5:6–7
9. God wants to use my stress to increase my dependence on Him. 2 Corinthians 1:8–9
10. God wants me to talk to Him about my stress. Psalm 118:5; Philippians 4:6–7
11. God wants me to trust Him to be my refuge in times of stress. Psalm 32:7; 62:8
12. God wants me to worship Him and acknowledge His constant presence even in times of stress. Genesis 35:3; Acts 16:25–26

Stress does not have to have the final word in our lives. Jesus has promised we can have His peace and presence (John 16:33). We can come to Him and find rest for our weary souls (Matthew 11:29).

Surrender your stress to God and invite Him to help and give you the hope you need. He will provide you with courage, endurance, and perseverance for this journey to experience the Prince of Peace, His rest, resilience, and well-being.

SHERIDAN CORREA is a Trauma-Informed Biblical Counselor. She’s a wife, mother of two teenage boys, singer, and avid runner who has been radically changed by Jesus. She is VL’s director of content development.

Resilience in the Valley

“The God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast” (1 Peter 5:10 NIV).

Resilience is the ability to bounce back after adversity. Life can hit you like a ton of bricks. I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Recently, it seemed that everything that could happen to me happened, all at the same time. Tuition increased at the daycare. All four tires on my truck needed to be replaced. The refrigerator stopped working. Between my husband and the kids, we had several trips to the hospital within a two-month period…and the list went on.

I was barely catching my footing from one blow before the next one hit. Life was getting the upper hand, and I was undoubtedly in the valley.

“Where are You, God,” I cried. “When will You show up for me? How long will I have to endure all this suffering? Don’t You think I’ve learned my lesson? Come on. I need a break.”

Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever questioned how long your storm would last? Have you ever contemplated throwing up your hands and saying, “I’m done. I’ve had enough. I can’t do this anymore. It’s just too much. I’m over it.”

Thanks be to God, storms don’t last forever. We suffer, but only for a little while.

I’m a living testimony that the darkest nights inevitably see the breaking of dawn. Don’t lose hope—God’s joy does “come in the morning” (Psalm 30:5). A brighter day is ahead.

Here are some promises that can help you through those dark valleys. They have helped me.

• God will give you His strength when you get weary. You will experience increased power after being weak (Isaiah 40:30–31).
• The trying of your faith will develop patience and the ability to persevere (James 1:3–4).
• God has already overcome everything the world and the enemy can send your way (John 16:33).
• God is always with you, and nothing can separate you from His love (Romans 8:38–39).

Don’t lose sight of these and other promises from God. They build resilience and will help you stay the course and keep the faith until the end.

Look back at all the storms you’ve encountered. They were bad, weren’t they? But look—you’re still here! You’ve made it through your trials before, and with God, you can do it again. You can overcome anything with God on your side (Philippians 4:13).

The valley you’re walking through won’t last forever. Take the journey with God,  and you’ll be stronger, better, and wiser than you were before.

What storms are you battling that have tested your faith or caused you to be frustrated, doubt-filled, or afraid? Give them to God. Cast every care over to Him because He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7). Trust Him as you face the storm or move through that valley. Take one step at a time. God’s track record is proven.

According to Psalm 34:17, “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles” (NIV).

Don’t ever stop praying to the Lord. Keep crying out to Him. Your words are not in vain. He hears you, and He will deliver you from all your troubles.

Na’Kedra Rodgers is a Southern belle with sass. She enjoys empowering women as a speaker, author, and podcaster. Her mission is to inspire, encourage, and point lost souls to Jesus. Connect with Na’Kedra at www.nakedrarodgers.com.

Finding Beauty In The Storm

He was a charismatic, energetic, young founding pastor, an evangelist who flashed a bright smile as he extended his hand to greet me. This man quoted scripture verbatim, prayed fervently, and executed his sermon deliveries and altar calls masterfully.

I was quickly captivated by his displayed passion for Jesus Christ and his love for others, and after a brief courtship, we ran down the wedding aisle. I couldn’t wait to be a pastor’s wife.

It wasn’t long, though, before I discovered a dark truth about my husband. He wasn’t at all who he appeared or claimed to be. Hiding behind clergy cloth was a pathological liar and a manipulative pedophile.

The coming years were traumatic on many levels. After three years of verbal abuse, multiple separations, and spousal abandonment, we divorced. My faith was shaken to its core; my heart lay shattered in a thousand pieces.

Deep inside, I screamed out to God. Where are You in all of this? How could You have let this happen to me? I am a woman of faith!

I loved the Lord profoundly and had served Him faithfully, and this was what I got? I blamed God for the horrible circumstances of my life—but they weren’t His fault.

The reality is that the Lord had sent me many warnings about my relationship with this man. They had come through the nudging of the Holy Spirit, certain events, and the words of my parents and siblings. Not to mention, an internal siren was blaring. My own gut instinct had warned me to run the other way. But I ignored it all.

I kept looking for the answer I wanted. When I didn’t get it from my usual sources, I turned to other people for spiritual advice regarding God’s will. One adviser laughed at me and scorned my concerns about my soon-to-be husband.

Trusting his judgment over those who loved me, over my own instincts, and over the Holy Spirit’s promptings, I ran mindlessly down the marriage aisle and settled in a place God never intended.

But now, on the other side, I can see my part in the story. Today, I own the fact that I contributed to my unhealthy marital experience.

If I had listened to the warnings, trusted God, and waited patiently instead of stubbornly pushing ahead, I could have avoided the intense depression, grief, and embarrassment I would experience as a minister of the gospel and church leader. I could have avoided the pain of our marriage.

Years of deep soul-searching and authentic self-reflection, prayer, and therapy have brought me to this realization. Thank God for His mercy. He stayed close and helped me navigate many uncomfortable emotions. With every step, He revealed His grace and unconditional, eternal love.

Today, I am healed because of God’s grace and my willingness to partner with Him in self-discovery. God has taken the ugliness of my life and turned it into something beautiful.

My decision to get married was a result of my naivete, my desire to be accepted, my fear and anxiety, and my low sense of self-worth and self-love. I had stopped trusting God’s plan and timetable for my life.

The truth is, I ran to the altar because, as a 28-year-old virgin with no social life, I was convinced no one would ever ask me to be his wife. Church culture had taught me that he—my husband—was supposed to find me.

I had been waiting and waiting, but with each passing year, I became more fearful and disappointed. Godly men came and went, but none chose me. So when this young pastor that no one knew expressed interest in me, I shoved aside the suspicions I had and ran down the aisle.

Why? Well, I could hear my biological clock ticking away. If I didn’t marry this man, surely I’d miss my opportunity to have a family. I was so afraid I wouldn’t have what I desired most—children.

I also ran to the altar because I wanted to be a preacher’s wife. Growing up in the faith community, I had witnessed women hitting the glass ceiling that prevented them from advancing in ministry. I was afraid that the scope of my ministry, though ordained by God, would be determined and severely limited by people in the church. I also knew that glass ceiling didn’t exist for women whose husbands oversaw the church, so that’s who I wanted to be.

I now know that my poor choices were the result of an unhealthy perception of who I was. When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see myself as God saw me—His beautiful, handcrafted work of art. I didn’t understand that God had masterfully created me in His image.

Childhood traumas and young adult experiences had left me unable to imagine that I was a person to be valued or loved. Despite my involvement in church and my desire to minister for God, I truly couldn’t see myself as someone He would treasure. I wasn’t good enough for that.

So I ignored the relationship standards I knew should exist and grabbed the first opportunity that looked like my dream.

I quickly knew that’s not what it was, but since I probably didn’t deserve love anyway, I accepted my lot in life. Absorbing my husband’s verbal and emotional abuse, I allowed myself to become a victim of my circumstances.

I settled in a place God never intended, far from those good plans and that hope-filled future I’d read about in Jeremiah 29:11. That’s what happens when a person doesn’t understand their worth and value. They settle in a dry, barren wilderness and lose themselves as they search for validation and acceptance from others.

On top of the difficulties in my marriage, I pressured myself to be what I thought a pastor’s wife should be. I wore myself out trying desperately to meet the expectations of others. And I constantly fell short.

And then one day, everything changed. I gave up the chase. I quit playing the victim card. I laid down all the things I thought were supposed to make me worthy and turned to the only One who could. That’s when God took me by the hand and walked with me through the storm.

The light of His presence overshadowed the darkness (John 16:33), and even though pain still existed, His love opened my eyes to the beauty of my life and the person He had created—me! Seeing myself through God’s eyes was the key to my healing.

So how does God see me? How does He see you? Let me share some of the healing truths I’ve found.

God sees a masterpiece, each person fashioned and formed in their mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13–16) by His very hands (Ephesians 2:10). God can only see beauty; He simply doesn’t make junk.

God sees people of purpose, filled to the brim with gifts and talents that can impact the world (1 Peter 4:10–11). When God looks at us, He announces to all creation, “It is good” (Genesis 1:31).

God sees His home in us. Second Corinthians 4:7 tells us that God places the treasure of His Holy Spirit in broken, messed-up us. And He lives in us (1 Corinthians 3:16).

God sees people who bring value into every space we enter. Jesus calls us the world’s light and says we are salt that brings flavor and healing to others (Matthew 5:13–15).

God sees people He loves, people who were worth dying for (John 3:16). Despite all the horrible things He knew we would do, God still sent His Son to die for us (Romans 5:8). This sacrifice demonstrated His love for humanity and affirmed our worth. Nothing we do or say will stop Him from loving us. Nothing can separate us from His love (Romans 8:38–39).

God sees the apple of His eye (Zechariah 2:8). This signifies His affection for us and the lengths He will go to care for us. He even calls us His friends (John 15:15).

God sees perfection; people in right standing with Himself (Romans 3:24), even with our flaws and shortcomings. He doesn’t see our sin; He sees the sacrifice of His Son. Our past, no matter how grievous and dark, was removed from us the minute we placed our faith in the work of the cross. (See Psalm 103.)

Throughout the Bible and history, God has declared His love for us and our worth. Isn’t it time that we start loving what God loves? Yes, I mean us.

Matthew 22:37–39 tells us to love the Lord with all our hearts and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. It’s the greatest commandment. But here’s the thing: we can’t love others unless we first love ourselves. Neither will we experience the fullness of His love unless we love ourselves the way He intends us to.

To love ourselves, we must embrace our identities, including our flaws, strengths, weaknesses, and experiences. God accepts us as we are, without limitation or condition. He expects us to do the same. Christ-centered self-love is paramount to the health of every relationship we’ll ever have.

Do you need help loving yourself? Ask the Lord. Meet Him at the foot of the cross where He paid the price to make you right in His eyes. There, lose the “strong Christian” facade. Talk to Him and surrender your self-hate, low self-esteem, distorted self-perception, and anything else preventing you from receiving His love and accepting your worth. Then rise and walk with Him into freedom. Take one step at a time. You’ll find peace and joy in His presence (Philippians 4:7).

Healing doesn’t necessarily happen overnight. Even a believer who fully surrenders to God and walks in His perfect plan may still experience a long, painful journey (John 16:33). But we’re no longer alone.

God promises to walk with us through every storm in life and to give us His strength to endure and wisdom to navigate. And along the way, He will heal every broken place within and reveal beautiful truths about Himself, your circumstances, others, and you.

His truth will help you recognize and reject unrealistic expectations. It will also help you embrace the accurate and relevant expectations founded in God’s Word. As you renew your mind with His truth, you will find yourself in the center of God’s perfect and pleasing will (Romans 12:2).

Unearthing the past and the things that made you who you are can be uncomfortable. But God and the loving faith community you surround yourself with will help you move forward.

It’s a journey, but it’s worth the effort. God can help you find beauty in the storm.

Essie Faye Taylor is a wife, bilingual author, educator, speaker, psalmist, and interpreter. As the author of the Finding the Love You Deserve series for women and teens, she is deeply committed to sharing the healing power of the gospel. Learn more at www.essiefayetaylor.com.

God’s Approval Is All That Matters

“The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?” (Psalm 27:1 NIV). The psalmist David was intimately acquainted with feelings of fear and rejection, feelings that started when he was a shepherd boy and stayed as he became king.

For instance, when the prophet Samuel came to Bethlehem to anoint the next king of Israel, David’s father initially excluded him from consideration (1 Samuel 16:10–11). King Saul later became so jealous of David that he tried to kill him (1 Samuel 18–19). Even David’s son Absalom conspired to overthrow David and assume the royal position of king (2 Samuel 15). Imagine how all that felt!

There’s no doubt that these situations hurt David. His writings often expressed his feelings of disappointment and sadness over the rejection he endured, but he had also learned to lean into his heavenly Father as a constant source of comfort and provision. Psalm 27 illustrates David’s confidence that everything he needed came from the Lord, not man.

The same is true in our struggles today to feel like we belong.

For most of my life, I went to extreme lengths to avoid rejection. In elementary school, I endured relentless teasing and bullying that caused terrible anxiety and daily panic attacks. Often, I would pretend to be sick so I could stay home and avoid the fear and loneliness I felt.

And then, in the third grade, I figured out a way to make the kids like me, at least temporarily. It turns out mean kids like candy, and they would leave me alone if I gave them some. Many were even nice to me all day.

So I started sneaking out my bedroom window at night and shoplifting candy from a grocery store near my house to take to school. I could’ve gotten in a lot of trouble for stealing, but the risk was worth it. Nothing was worse than feeling rejected. Talk about an early lesson in manipulating circumstances.

I carried that bad habit of people-pleasing into adulthood, doing things I knew were wrong so that people would accept me. I took crazy risks with my life and freedom and made foolish, impulsive decisions to avoid feeling left out or overlooked.

Those choices, of course, came with heavy consequences. Some even landed me in jail and prison. But no matter how hard I tried, my actions never won me the acceptance I craved.

When I learned that God loves me unconditionally despite my flaws, mistakes, and sins and that He loves me so much that He wouldn’t leave me that way—it changed everything! God pursued me throughout my life to adopt me into His family (Romans 8:16–17). I am a child of God, chosen, set aside, and called for His purpose. And you can be too. All you have to do is ask. It’s not what we do for God or others that puts us in the right standing with God; it’s all and only because of what Jesus did (Ephesians 2:8–10).

Moving away from people-pleasing has been a journey. It helps when I remind myself that seeking people’s approval hinders me from serving the Lord. Galatians 1:10 puts it this way: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ” (NIV).

Wholeheartedly serving the Lord is my greatest desire. I consistently evaluate my motives to determine whether what I am doing is for God’s glory or if I’m seeking to gain approval from others. I don’t want to harm my witness for Christ or contradict the way God calls me to live. My relationship with God is most important.

Besides, even my best efforts couldn’t gain the approval of everyone…and that’s okay!

I remind myself that even mature Christ followers can fall into the people-pleasing trap, and we must all guard against it. The best way to do that is to understand our identity as a child of God.

Search the scriptures to discover the many ways that you are loved and chosen by the Creator of this world. And then embrace a life free of the fear of rejection.

Christina Kimbrel serves as VL’s production manager. Once incarcerated, she now ministers hope to those held captive by their past and current circumstances while sharing the message of healing she found in Jesus.

Where Are You God?

I enjoy waking up early, packing a picnic breakfast, and driving to a spot where I can watch the sunrise. It’s a favorite pastime because God once revealed Himself in a most powerful way in that early morning sun. It happened during the painful, dark time of my son’s incarceration.

Being a mother of an incarcerated son wasn’t easy. I often encountered dark emotions and cried, “Where are You, God?”

I struggled to understand how He was working. I had so many questions, and with each passing day, I became more self-absorbed and less aware of His presence.

My son was housed in a prison less than an hour from my home. I did my best to visit him every weekend. Each Saturday, I left before dawn to secure a spot at the front of the visitation line so I wouldn’t have to sit in a waiting room and miss precious time with my son.

I don’t remember much about those early morning drives except being entirely absorbed in dreaded anticipation. Visiting my son brought so many varying emotions.

On one hand, I was grateful he was so close. Wrapping my arms around him and seeing that he was alive and well was priceless. But each visit also served as a painful reminder that he was in prison and that there was nothing I could do about it.

Each week, those encounters with prison life led me deeper into a sea of hopelessness. I wrestled against “what if” scenarios. The fear of the unknown was almost too much to bear.

“Where are You, God?” were often the only words I could muster.

God seemed absent, and I felt more distant from Him each time I drove away from the prison. I couldn’t feel His presence or see Him at work. Still, I knew God was my only hope of survival.

During this time, I was reading a daily devotional. One day’s entry spoke about the presence of God in our lives, even during our trials. Specifically, the author unpacked Ecclesiastes 7:13–14 (NLT), which says, “Accept the way God does things, for who can straighten what he has made crooked? Enjoy prosperity while you can, but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God.”

The author reminded me that the same God who is with me when life is good remains with me through my trials. That week, during my drive to the prison, God further revealed this truth.

I approached the top of a hill and saw the most beautiful sun rising over the horizon. The sky was ablaze with the most magnificent colors and draped with the backdrop of the rolling hills. Time stood still as I gazed at the beautiful scene.

Suddenly, a sense of peace overcame me, and I was no longer sad. As I surveyed the beauty of God’s creation, it hit me—He was present. Evidence of God was all around me.

I experienced Psalm 19:1 powerfully. It says, “The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display his craftsmanship” (NLT). How many times had I missed His glorious display during my drives because I was so focused on my pain?

I couldn’t wait to get to prison and share my experience with my son. He, too, needed to know that God was present. He hadn’t left us.

Shortly after that visit, I stumbled upon Luke 1:78–79. “Because of God’s tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace” (NLT).

I immediately remembered that morning when God’s tender mercies met me. The rising sun came to me from heaven and broke through the darkness of my heart. God shined His light on me and helped me find my path to peace. He can do the same for you.

Paula Fox loves the Lord and serving His children behind bars. She volunteers her time at Kairos Prison Ministry and Victorious Living.

Experience Your Ultimate Purpose

I was raised in the “holy land” of New Jersey, where there are more Jews than in Jerusalem. My grandmother escaped to America during the Holocaust with only my father. She’d had to choose one family member to bring with her; the rest of our family perished in Europe. I can’t imagine all my young grandmother had to overcome as she settled into a new and different country with other Jewish immigrants.

My father grew up and, in 1966, married a nice Jewish girl. I came along in 1974. Being Jewish was important to my family and me, as it was for others in our community. Growing up, I celebrated all the traditions and holidays of our people. I also attended synagogue and Hebrew school. At 13, I had my bar mitzvah and became a “son of the commandments.”

But my eyes weren’t set on following God and His ways; they were focused on the fame and fortune this world offers. In my teens, I took to the streets and, in the infinite wisdom of my youth, began to hang out with the high school DJ and the class drug dealer. Eventually, I dropped out of high school and became a hip-hop DJ.

By my early 20s, I was working at a large recording studio in New York City with famous hip-hop and rap artists. Surrounded by all those celebrities, though, I saw the futility of life and the truth that no amount of success or money can make a person feel good about themselves, loved, or secure in their worth and purpose.

These people had everything the world said would satisfy—money, power, and fame. They partied day and night, constantly surrounded by other people. Yet they were the loneliest, emptiest, and most dissatisfied people I’d ever met. I was young and impressionable but could see that the world’s offerings weren’t the answer to life.

Fulfillment, I realized, had to come from within. It was a matter of the soul. So I set out on a spiritual journey. I attended the local synagogue to study with my rabbi. I also studied martial arts, Eastern philosophy, and religion. I became what some call a Jew-Bu, a Jewish Buddhist. I spent hours every day, meditating and practicing yoga, until one day, something life-changing happened.

I was deep in meditation when my soul began to vibrate within me. Every cell of my body shook violently, and then, I lifted out of my body. I saw myself sitting meditatively, lifting through the roof and clouds, and ultimately rising into heaven. There I stood before a king, raised high. I knew instantly who He was and trembled in His presence and under His power.

“Jason,” Jesus said. “You are called to serve Me.”

The next thing I knew, I was back in my body, running around my house exclaiming, “I’m called to serve Him! I’m called to serve Him!”

“Serve who?” My mother looked at me like I’d lost my mind.

But I didn’t dare tell her; the name of Jesus was taboo in our home.

I had a Jewish friend who had recently come to faith in Jesus. He’d been telling me how he’d discovered the truth and, annoyingly, had been asking me to go with him to his messianic synagogue. Until this point, I hadn’t wanted anything to do with his newfound faith. But now I couldn’t wait to get to the service.

My heart leaped as the rabbi taught from the Word of God—both the Old and the New Testaments. His words came to life within me, and at the end of the service, I prayed to receive Jesus as my Lord and Savior.

My friend was overjoyed. He told me he’d been praying to lead one Jewish person to the Lord but never dreamed it would be me. I didn’t know if I should be offended because he’d been praying behind my back or because he never thought I’d be the one to come to faith.

The rabbi gave me my first copy of the New Testament. I took it home and hid it under my bed. (It would have been better to bring pornographic material into our home than a New Testament.)

Eventually, curiosity got the best of me, and I pulled it out from under the mattress and started to read. I was blown away by how Jewish the New Testament was. It spoke to my heart and confirmed that Jesus really was the One Moses and the prophets had spoken of.

My mother was sure I’d joined a cult. She told me repeatedly that I’d broken her heart by becoming a follower of Jesus. She made me meet with the Jewish rabbi at her synagogue. He and I had some interesting conversations.

Also devastated by my decision to follow Christ was my dear grandmother. She cut me, her only grandchild, out of her life; she even publicly denounced me as her grandson during a recorded testimony for the Shoah Foundation, founded by Steven Spielberg. She didn’t speak to me for years after that, not until dementia set in and she’d forgotten what I’d done.

As you can see, becoming a follower of Jesus came with a heavy price tag. Still, knowing from my vision that I was called to serve Jesus, I began studying to be a messianic rabbi.

Jesus had radically transformed my life by opening my eyes to Him (John 14:6). He’d shown me the way to true contentment and revealed my purpose and identity. An unquenchable desire to share Him with others burned deep within.

People in my community labeled me a traitor, ostracized me, and physically attacked me because of my faith. Despite the rejection, the threats, and even the beatings, I couldn’t keep the Good News of Jesus to myself.

Being treated that way by my family, friends, and community hurt. It did then, and it still does. But through it, I’ve experienced the presence and love of God in profound ways, and I’ve found my ultimate purpose.

Growing up, I was that awkward and uncoordinated kid. You know, the one always picked last for sports teams. Being rejected so many times as a kid had formed a belief in me that I was unworthy of being chosen or wanted.

Learning that God wanted me and saw me as worthy changed everything. He revealed this truth through the book of Numbers, where there’s an accounting (a census) of the Hebrew people. Through that accounting, I saw that every person has value to the Lord.

Interestingly, the Hebrew word for “count” means “to lift the heads of the people.” The children of Israel had been enslaved in Egypt, and as such, they were prohibited from looking into the eyes of their master. They had lost their identity and voice. God sent Moses to bring them out of Egypt and reestablish them for who they were.

Leviticus 26:13 (NLT) says, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt so you would no longer be their slaves. I broke the yoke of slavery from your neck so you can walk with your heads held high.”

God wanted His people to remember that He was their Savior and Deliverer and that they were freed children of the King. He wanted them to lift their heads so they could see and know their identity because identity is destiny.

I had struggled my whole life, wondering who I was, what value I had, what my purpose was. Why was I even here? One day, I was talking to the Lord about this when I heard Him say, “Jason, you’re My favorite son.”

I thanked Him; it sounded awesome. But…how could that even be possible? Then the Lord showed me that His love for me, as it is for all His children, is beyond comprehension. Unlike my love, which is finite, God’s love is infinite—He can have an endless number of favorite children.

It was an exciting revelation. But then the conversation got uncomfortable when God told me to go out and tell other people that I was His favorite. “No way could I do that,” I argued. “People would think I was crazy or prideful.” But God knew better.

“Jason,” He said. “The real reason you don’t want to tell people you are My favorite isn’t because you’re afraid of what they’d think or say. It’s because you don’t think you could be My number one son. Truth is, you don’t believe I could love you that much.”

He was right. I struggled to see myself as God sees me. Looking in the mirror, I still saw an awkward, always last-to-be-chosen dropout. And when I thought of my worth, all I could hear was my high school principal telling my folks that I was destined for trouble.

I couldn’t imagine that God saw anything different. Nor could I understand why He would choose me to serve Him. I had too many issues for that, I was sure.

Moses felt this way, too. Exodus chapters 3 and 4 tells us that he argued with God about his qualifications. But God wouldn’t be swayed. He wanted Moses, imperfections and all. Moses was God’s choice. God has always used imperfect, unqualified people to serve Him.

Interestingly, when God called Moses, the Lord told him to take off his shoes because he was standing on holy ground (Exodus 3:5 KJV). Did you know that the Hebrew word for shoe here is the same word for a lock?

God, in essence, was telling Moses to remove the things locking him out of his destiny. He was to stop looking at his faults and failures. He was to take off those things like he would take off a pair of shoes.

We all need to remove the locks from our feet so we can move forward with God into our destiny. Hebrews 12:1 (NLT) says, “Let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.”

Those locks and weights can be many things, but often, they include our limited view of ourselves. Like Moses, we focus on our imperfections. We agree with what the world has said about us. We don’t think we’re worthy of God’s love or being used by Him. But God says differently. He chooses people this world says have no value or power (1 Corinthians 1:27) and partners with them to do incredible things.

I couldn’t believe it when the Lord revealed His plans for me. I was a high school dropout with only a GED. But God didn’t see that as a limitation. He never sees limitations; He only sees potential.

God wants you to lift your head so you can see and know your identity as a child of the King. We’re the ones who limit our destiny. When we look at ourselves through the world’s eyes, we see only fault. With that perspective, we will never be anything more than what we see. We must look at ourselves through God’s eyes.

With God’s help, I’ve written several books, two of which ended up as New York Times bestsellers. I also travel the world, appear on national television, and teach people worldwide through my ministry, Fusion Global. And this high school dropout has a master’s degree. Who could have imagined? Certainly not my parents, principal, community, rabbi…or me!

But God imagined it, and He imagines marvelous things for you, too. God sees incredible greatness in you, but first, you must realize that your identity and value don’t come from your community, affiliation, possessions, or accolades. Your identity, value, and purpose come from how God sees you. And how does He see you? You are His number one son or daughter. Believe it!

To become His number one, you must first embrace His one and only begotten Son, Jesus (John 3:16). Only then can you begin to unlock all that being a son or daughter of God means.

So many people wrestle with their purpose and identity, but it’s simple. Your purpose in life is to be a son or daughter who accepts the love of your heavenly Father and walks obediently in relationship with Him. When you step into that God-given identity, you will discover your God-given destiny.

I know stepping into your identity as a child of God and following Him can be frightening. And yes, it will be costly. But being in relationship with God is worth anything that comes your way. Nothing the world offers can compare to what God has for you, His child. It’s all worthless when compared to knowing Christ (Philippians 3:8–10). Nothing you sacrifice can compare to what God has sacrificed for you (Isaiah 53). You can take comfort in knowing that God will never ask you to do anything He Himself is not willing to do.

Our Lord promises in Matthew 19:29 that anything you give up for Him in life will be returned to you 100 times over, and you’ll have eternal life. He also says in Matthew 5:10–12 that He will bless you when people mock you or lie about you or speak evil against you because of your faith, and that a great reward awaits you in heaven.

This life you are experiencing is not all there is. There’s so much more, and God wants to give it to you. The Bible is clear: God loves you and chooses you. The question is, will you love and choose Him in return? Only then will you find your identity and experience your ultimate purpose.

JASON SOBEL’s personal revival led him to pursue revival on a global level through his nonprofit, Fusion Global. His outreach reconnects Jewish and Christian followers of Jesus through relevant and inspired teaching. Jason works with influential creatives and collaborates with many spiritual, entertainment, and marketplace leaders His unique message empowers audiences worldwide to discover their potential and understand their full inheritance in Christ. To learn more about his outreach or his NYT bestselling books, visit fusionglobal.org.

Three C’s That Will Change Your Life

I am one of those strange people who enjoys performing under pressure. The only problem with that is, I often equate my worth with my performance, especially when it comes to my relationship with God. It’s hard for me to remember that He doesn’t love me for what I do or don’t do. He just loves me.

He’s had to remind me of this many times. “Kristi,” He’s said, “you already have My love and favor; you don’t have to earn that. It’s yours just because you are Mine. You’re My child; all I want is your love. Don’t worry about doing things for Me or making things happen. I’ve got you; just stay close, clean, and confident.”

Close. Clean. Confident. 

I call these my three Cs, and I’ve realized that as a follower of Jesus Christ, I must commit daily to stay close, clean, and confident if I want to live a victorious life. You’ll need to do that too. Here’s how you can successfully apply the three Cs to your life.

Staying close to God requires daily acknowledgement of who He is. We draw close by reading God’s Word, meditating on His truths, and trusting Him and His promises (Philippians 4:6–7). We also do this by talking to Him about what’s going on in our lives. Fellowshipping with other believers helps too.

We draw close when we snuggle up to God and rest in Him. I like to envision myself leaning into Him like a child does with someone they love and trust. That’s how God wants us to come to Him. He invites us to grab hold, climb on His lap, snuggle close, and rest our heads on His chest.

Of course, that can be hard for some people to imagine, especially if they’ve never had the loving lap of a father to climb onto or a safe place to rest their heads. They’re afraid God will reject or hurt them like people have done. But He won’t.

Your heavenly Father is calling to you: “Come close, My child. Don’t be afraid.” He’s inviting you to come boldly to His throne of grace where you’ll find the help you need (Hebrew 4:16).

Unlike people, God won’t turn you away or scold you or point out your failures. His throne is one of grace, not condemnation, hate, anger, or rebuke. The Lord offers a safe place, and His arms are open wide, ready to receive you.

“Draw close to me,” He says, “and I will draw close to you” (James 4:8). This is your promise—what’s holding you back?

Staying clean is a daily decision too. We stay clean by keeping our thoughts pure and in line with God’s thoughts and by abstaining from gratifying the passions of our flesh (Philippians 4:8). We can’t live with one foot in the Word and one foot in the world.

It won’t be easy, but God will help you. The closer you draw to the Lord, the more strength you’ll have to keep yourself clean and set apart for Him. In His strength, you can move away from the polluting things of this world and walk in integrity. Studying His Word and walking in obedience will keep you clean too (Psalm 119:11). The pure in heart see God (Matthew 5:8), hear His voice, and receive His blessings.

Finally, there is the matter of being confident in who God is and who you are in Him. You are a child of God. You are created in His image; and God doesn’t make junk. Learn to trust Him and refuse to be shaken by what you see or hear.

Never forget that the God in you is greater than the evil of this world (1 John 4:4). He has promised to be with you and to strengthen, help, and hold you up (Isaiah 41:10). You can walk with your head held high—He says so (Leviticus 26:13).

If you are in Christ, no man, no circumstance, no power of hell can defeat you (Romans 8:31–39). That’s a promise you can hang on to.

Draw Close to God in Grief

Intimacy with God is the deepest comfort in pain. God’s presence was nearly palpable after my husband, Dan, died. I constantly conversed with the Lord; His comfort was real and His counsel clear.

But what are we to do if God feels distant in our pain? Scripture promises that when we draw near to God, He will draw near to us (James 4:8). God’s presence is based on His character, not our feelings. God is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18), and that’s true whether we sense it or not.

Hebrews 4:16 promises that when we draw near to God, we will “receive mercy and find grace to help us in time of need” (NIV). We may not have chosen our circumstances, but we can choose to draw closer to God.

So here are ten practical tips to draw near in suffering:

1. Study His Word.God reveals Himself in scripture. The Bible isn’t just for learning about God; we can encounter Him there. Scripture is alive and active. It convicts and guides us, points us to truth, answers prayer, and transforms our thinking (Romans 12:2).

“All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:16–17 NIV). Time we spend in the Word will never be wasted (Isaiah 55:11).

2. Express gratitude.Gratitude opens our eyes to all God does in and around us. It helps us become content and trust God rather than groan against Him. We’re to give thanks in all circumstances; gratitude has tremendous power.

Jesus modeled a life of gratitude. Before feeding over 5,000 people with two fish and five loaves of bread, Jesus gave God thanks (John 6:11). Before raising Lazarus from the dead, Jesus thanked His Father for hearing Him (John 11:41). He even thanked God the night He was arrested (1 Corinthians 11:23–24). Cultivating intentional gratitude helps us draw close to God.

3. Lament.Lament is taking our complicated emotions and questions to God, leaving them there, and trusting God’s character and promises to provide the comfort and answers we need. We don’t have to hide our feelings or fake that we’re fine. God created us with emotions. Our emotions are safe with Him.

We find lament all through scripture. Hannah wept to God in deep grief over her infertility and barrenness. Job, Jeremiah, and Moses lamented to God in their situations. A third of the Psalms are psalms of lament that reveal how David and others took their difficulties and emotions to God. Lamenting isn’t crying out against God in bitterness or anger; it is crying out to Him as we draw near.

4. Pray.Jesus often went away alone to pray (Luke 5:16). He spent whole nights in prayer and prayed intensely before and after crucial events. Before He called the 12 apostles, Jesus spent the night in prayer. After feeding the 5,000, Jesus went up a mountain alone to pray. And before He was arrested, tried, and crucified, Jesus prayed vigorously.

The power and intimacy of Jesus’s prayer life must have caught His apostles’ attention because the only thing they ever asked Jesus to teach them was how to pray (Luke 11:1). Jesus never let busyness or pressing needs keep Him from prayer. While prayer may seem an obvious way to draw near to God, we must be deliberate in listening, lingering, and persevering in prayer.

5. Journal. Journaling helps us process our suffering. It unburdens the heavy emotions that weigh us down and untangles those negative thoughts that play on a continuous loop in our heads. For external processors like me, journaling helps me figure things out.

Whether you’re journaling to help you study the Bible or you’re journaling through grief to process your loss, the benefits of journaling are enormous. It helps us pause to capture what God is teaching us. It allows us to make fresh applications as we walk through the hard moments. It provides a place for regular confession, to record prayer requests and answers, and to write out scriptures we want to meditate upon. Grief journaling helps lower stress and boosts our mood. It is a safe place to work through emotions.

6. Praise and worship.The day my husband died, our house filled with friends and family. I’ll never forget the friend who announced, “We need worship music,” as she popped a CD into the player. Another friend later urged me to come and listen as my children and their friends were upstairs singing and playing guitars in worship.

Worship draws us near to God when we don’t have words. It reminds us of God’s truth when circumstances are screaming differently. It fixes our eyes on Him when we can’t see the way through, and it renews our hope as we anchor into God’s promises.

7. Tackle those thoughts.Our thoughts are a chief battleground when we’re in a place of suffering or grief. Fear, worry, doubt, regret, anger, bitterness, and despair can paralyze us and keep us from moving forward. Our emotions aren’t the problem; the problem is those emotions can stir up lies. Therefore, we must take every thought captive to God’s truth by letting God’s Word be louder than anything else we hear (2 Corinthians 10:5).

It’s a daily exchange of our thoughts for God’s thoughts. Philippians 4:8 tells us to think about “whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

Thinking about those things happens when we’re consistently in God’s Word and carefully choosing what we listen to, read, and view. Daily affirmations of God’s love and His promises help us through dark seasons where we must fight to focus on truth.

8. Regular rest.God knows that endless busyness and constant distraction keep us from abiding in Him. Rest is God’s command and His gift, so we can regularly refill and refresh. Grief is exhausting; it takes enormous physical, mental, cognitive, and emotional bandwidth. Taking time to rest physically is a must, but we must also practice resting our minds and emotions in God so that He can renew our strength (Matthew 11:28).
9. Go outside.God’s creation helps us draw closer to Him. Even as I write this, I can hear birds chirping and calling. It is a reminder that if God cares for the sparrow, He also cares for us (Matthew 6:26). We see God’s glory in nature, from the glorious design of roadside wildflowers to the roaring majesty of a rushing waterfall. Our Creator, who holds the world together, also holds our hearts together.
10. Community.We’re not meant to live isolated from others. The Bible tells us not to forsake our gathering together (Hebrews 10:25). The enemy knows how critical meaningful fellowship with godly friends and a church family is, so he works overtime to keep us from them.

While we don’t need a church service to worship God, gathering with other believers is irreplaceable. It is where we find encouragement and witness the body of Christ working together for God’s glory. Apart from this, we will also miss the accountability of community and sweet fellowship with others who live and love differently than the world.

Intimacy with God isn’t for a few super-spiritual people. God created us all for deep intimacy with Him. But a close relationship with God won’t just happen. While some of these practices may feel mechanical at first, push through the awkwardness. Seek the Lord. Go to Him in honesty. And give Him your whole heart again and again.

LISA APPELO is a speaker, writer, and Bible teacher who inspires women to deepen their faith in grief and find hope in the hard. Formerly a litigating attorney, her days are now filled with parenting seven children, ministering, writing, speaking, and running enough to justify lots of dark chocolate. Find Lisa’s encouragement for faith, grief, and hope at LisaAppelo.com.

The Beauty in Forgiveness

Pain. It’s the package God often uses to prepare us for His call on our lives, to order our steps down His path (Proverbs 19:21), and to reveal His true nature, character, and love. Without pain, we may not get to where God wants us to be. Sometimes, we must experience darkness and carry it in our souls to find true freedom.

I have suffered deep pain, but none like what emerged from my failed marriage to my best friend. I never knew that someone I loved and trusted and who I believed God had given me could create such feelings of abuse, rejection, hatred, depression, and a deep sense of failure and sadness. The mental anguish was staggering, and it almost destroyed me and others. I felt like a prisoner in my home, heart, and soul.

It wasn’t until I gave God the keys to my broken heart that I was finally free. He healed me and made everything new (2 Corinthians 3:17, 5:17). He gave purpose to the divorce and my struggles as a single mom and used them to reveal hidden resentment and hurt. He also helped me discover my true self and true love.

None of us enjoy pain. Let’s face it: misery doesn’t feel good. But if we process and journey through the pain with God, it can benefit us. It can even make us whole.

Many dark nights helped me learn who I was and discover hidden strength. More importantly, they helped me know who God is and who He has been my whole life. The Lord used every bit of pain to prepare me to be His beloved daughter and bride (Revelation 21:9).

I have been fascinated with God for as long as I can remember. My mom took my sister and me to church, and the things of God were implanted in my heart. I don’t recall my dad going with us.

Home life wasn’t bad, but Mom seemed unhappy. We had all the necessities, went on family vacations, spent many summers in Florida visiting my grandparents, and celebrated the holidays. I don’t, however, remember witnessing expressions of love in our home. I often longed for the warmth and comfort of a loving family.

In my early 20s, I learned that my dad had had multiple affairs while I was growing up. I finally understood the source of Mom’s unhappiness and depression. Before she died in August of 1990, I told her I would never get married or have children. I didn’t want the misery she had experienced being betrayed by the man she loved. But deep down, I still longed for family, closeness, and love.

I had big dreams as a little girl. I was smart, loved school, and read books of all kinds. I wanted to be a doctor. I’m not sure why, other than it’s what my dad wanted. He reminded me often to be independent, strong, and able to provide for myself. He warned me never to depend on a man. His words would become painfully true later in life.

I first met my husband in high school. There was something beautiful about him, and he became my best friend. We didn’t date; I wasn’t allowed to date. But we sure did talk on the phone, sometimes all night long. We had a deep connection, but after graduation, we went to separate colleges and grew apart.

I never considered that I would marry him. I didn’t want a family, remember? But God had other plans, as did my friend. He told me that God had told him I would be his wife when he first saw me in the ninth grade.

God, the marvelous worker of His plan for us, began to chip away at my lack of interest in marriage. One day in college, while lying across my twin bed, I heard someone utter these words clear and crisp, “I just want to be a housewife and a mom.”

I sat up, shocked, realizing that I was the one who had spoken, and with those words, I was suddenly filled with the desire to be a wife and mother. God had dropped it inside my soul.

I finished my college studies, and then, during the first Gulf War, I reconnected with my high school friend. I tell the love story of how God reconnected us through a series of dreams and events and the lessons He taught me through our journey in my book, Tomorrow Is Not Promised: A Personal Journey of Submission to Holy Spirit.

On a beautiful summer day in 1992, I married my friend, the man of my dreams. It was the happiest day of my life. Our marriage was a dream fulfilled by the word of the Lord, and we both knew God had put us together.

Our love story was so sweet and miraculous that I assumed our journey together would be blissful. I would have the family I wanted with the man I loved and live happily ever after. He would not do what my dad had done to my mom. No way. My man would honor our covenant and love me as he vowed.

We were married only six years, though, before the cheating started. Our first son was almost three when God revealed my husband’s actions to me. I was home in my bedroom when the Lord told me my husband was in a hotel room with another woman. I was in disbelief.

Not my husband, Lord, he loves me. He loves You. I asked God to change him.

But God didn’t work on my husband or fix him. Instead, He worked on me and told me to stand for my marriage. I didn’t even know what that meant! He also told me to forgive him.

For years, I refused to forgive. I was hurt and angry. My disdain for my husband increased as more affairs came. And then, when I discovered a mistress was pregnant, hatred roused in untold ways for him, the other woman, and God. I blamed Him.

God, You could have prevented this mess, but You didn’t. How am I to live with this revelation of a baby? What about our two sons? Do something, Lord! You gave this man to me. He was your gift. Fix this!

I became more confused, bitter, angry, and caged in by the day. I wanted to run, and several times I did. But God kept saying, “Go back home; I will deliver you in the fire.”

I don’t want to walk back into those flames, Lord. They hurt. I want You to fix my situation and my husband, to stop this nonsense and make it right. My sons and I don’t deserve this. 

But the cheating went on for 12 years, and I, like my mother, sank into deep depression. I curled up in my bedroom closet, daily hiding from the world and fighting suicidal thoughts. My husband was causing the most excruciating emotional pain and didn’t care. Who was this man? What had happened to my best friend?

There was no hiding from God, though. He climbed into the closet with me, helped me endure years of pain, and gave me the strength to stand. Day by day, He exposed the hurt I had been carrying since childhood and my feelings of being unloved by my father. God used my husband’s rejection to crush my heart so He could give me a new one.

On April 11, 2010, in the middle of the night, things came to a head with my husband. I watched him drive away from our home and leave behind me and our two sons, then 14 and 8, to be with his pregnant mistress, who was in labor.

No words can describe the loneliness and horror I felt as I kept the birth of my husband’s child a secret from our sons. I vacillated between guilt and anger and hatred to repentance. I often begged God to kill me.

I was devastated. God was my only hope of survival. I clung to God’s Word and kept reading His promises of making my life beautiful in His time.

When will that be, Lord? Pain crushed my heart.

“Forgive them,” the Lord kept saying. “Forgive and be free” (Matthew 6:14–15).

But why should I have to forgive? I hadn’t cheated. I wasn’t the one breaking up our family. I wanted the mistress dead and my husband to suffer. They had purposely hurt me and my children. I was convinced that the blood of Jesus and His forgiveness should not reach them. They needed to pay!

My hatred often led me to drive in my van for hours, looking for them. I fully intended to harm my husband and kill his mistress. God wasn’t moving fast enough for me. I would fix this situation myself.

The pain was unbearable and clouding my judgment. God’s grace kept me from finding them, or I would be serving a life sentence right now.

With time, God helped me forgive both of them from my heart (Matthew 18:35). And when I released my husband and his mistress from the debt I felt they owed me, God’s forgiveness released me. Jesus opened the door of my prison and set me free.

Today, on the other side of the pain, I know that, but for this journey of suffering, I never would have come to know God in the deep and intimate way I do now. God revealed Himself to me as father, husband, and friend. He was everything and everyone I needed. He still is. My painful divorce led me to know the One who loves me perfectly.

Through all the depression, suicidal and murderous thoughts, feelings of failure, and deep sadness, I learned to trust God’s unconditional and never-ending love. Through it all, despite my accusations otherwise, He repeatedly proved that He is a loving Father who jumps into our mess and helps us. I saw tangible expressions of my heavenly Father’s love and understood this important truth: I am His beloved.

My love remains strong despite the pain my husband caused our family. And even after all these years, I’m still standing and trusting God.

Being a single mom and divorcee wasn’t my dream, but as we all know, life is filled with unpleasant surprises. I’m sure you can name many painful experiences that have felt like nightmares for you.

I want to encourage you to forgive those who’ve wronged you. Give your anger to God and let go. Don’t become a prisoner to hatred and bitterness.

While you’re being honest with God, let go of your anger toward Him too. Give Him a chance to work in and through you. He will make all things beautiful in His time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

I wish I could say that forgiveness erases or explains a person’s harmful action toward you. It doesn’t. Nor does it make it right. But it will set you free and make you right. Forgiveness will give you a new life with the Beloved. I am living proof.

Dr. Stephanie M. Carter is an author and the host of her podcast Reveal. Her heart is to help hurting and broken women learn who they are in Christ. To learn more, visit her websites at revealedgrace.com and stephaniemcarter.com.