Pass The Test

Pass the Test
by Kristi Overton Johnson
For months, the Lord had been impressing on my heart the importance of integrity and being thorough. “Take no shortcuts, Kristi. Shortcuts open doors the enemy can walk through to wreak havoc in your life and ministry.” I had received these words with great enthusiasm. But then the test came, and I failed.
I knew it was wrong the moment it went down. It felt secretive and was prefaced with the words, “If someone asks how you got this, just say ______.” There was a process I was supposed to go through, and I knew it. But the process was tedious and could result in a negative outcome, so when this mighty man of God offered the shortcut, I told the little voice in my head to be quiet and took it.
It’s not that what was being offered was bad. It was an amazing gift. And if I were to reveal it to you, you might think it was nothing. But trivial or not, it was eating me alive!
I wrestled with conviction for days. To make myself feel better, I cast blame: “I didn’t ask for what I got; he gave it to me.” I justified having the gift with, “I needed it. This is a good thing, a God-thing even! People will be so blessed by it.” And they were.
The week went on and I tried to convince myself that God had provided it to our ministry. “Surely the Lord has given me the desires of my heart. I just prayed about this very thing, and now I have it! This is a blessing from heaven!” I thanked the Lord for such a beautiful gift.
But the Holy Spirit continued to poke away at my conscience until the goodness of God led me to repentance (Romans 2:4). Repentance happened when I chose to set aside my justification, reasoning, and blame and ask the Lord for His perspective on the matter. There, in the quiet, God revealed His truth in love.
I saw clearly that what I had done was wrong. I had skipped the proper process, ignored the inner voice of conviction, and put my reputation and the ministry God had entrusted to me at risk. Not only that, but I had credited God with answering my prayer in a shady way. I mean, come on! He is a holy God who does what is right. He doesn’t lurk around in the shadows to bring about what I need.
Busted and exposed, I fell to my knees and repented. “Lord, You’re right. What I did was wrong. My actions set a terrible example to others, and I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” I felt sick to my stomach.
You can believe guilt arrived on the scene quickly. But then I remembered that God’s conviction is rooted in His love for me, not anger or disappointment. He had revealed my sin to bring correction, protection, and promotion—not condemnation. God didn’t want me to waste precious time wallowing in shame; He wanted me to learn from my mistake and move forward better. If I was genuinely sorry, then God had already forgiven me (1 John 1:9).
Either I believed His Word and trusted His love, or I didn’t.
I am thankful for God’s love, and out of my love for Him, I want to pass the next integrity test. I want to prove to the Lord I can be trusted in the smallest of details. I want to live a life above reproach, so no man can bring an accusation (1 Peter 2:12). God forbid I take a shortcut that gives Satan an opening to attack the work God is doing (Ephesians 4:26–27).
Friend, there are blessings on the other side of integrity. Don’t take a shortcut. It’s not worth it. Walk faithfully, do things God’s way, and trust His timing. Doing so will prove your love for the Father and position you for greater things (Luke 16:10).

KRISTI OVERTON JOHNSON encourages and equips people for victory through her writings, speaking engagements, and prison ministry. To learn more, go to kojministries.org.

How To Walk Through the Valley

Months ago, I spent several days with my sweet momma in the hospital. It was a privilege to serve someone who has sacrificed so much for me. Watching her during those first few days, I was reminded how sometimes we have to go through painful experiences to reach our desired destination.

For years, Mom had pressed through tremendous back pain. She went and went until she couldn’t go anymore. Everyone knew it was time for surgery. She sought wise counsel and made an informed decision. Then she walked bravely toward the operating room while Dad and I remained in the waiting room.

Twelve long hours later, we were finally reunited. The minute we walked in, we could see she was in horrible pain. I wanted to get on that hospital bed and take her place, but I couldn’t. No one could.

The pain was intense with new symptoms in different places. And they were just as painful, if not more, than the pain she had experienced before the surgery.

Nerves were waking up, and they weren’t happy. And then there was the stomach pain. It was unexpected and worse than her back. She lay in bed for days in agony. The pain made her think she’d made a mistake. She didn’t think she could handle the days ahead. She wished she could undo what she had done.

My perspective on the situation was different though. The doctor had said the surgery was a success, so I was sure Mom would be okay and that these symptoms would eventually dissipate. I had no doubt that soon she’d be feeling and moving better than she had in years.

But I also knew that before she felt better, she would have to endure more discomfort. With God’s help, she did.

I share this story because I know many of you are in that “in between” season of life right now. You’ve made a difficult decision to move forward; you’ve weighed the cost, sought wise counsel, taken that step—and now you find yourself in a dark, lonely, and uncomfortable place. Your pain is so intense that you’re asking, “What in the world have I done?!” You might even wish you could go back to where you were before.

Please, don’t let the moment’s pain keep you from the “better” that lies ahead. Press on with God. I promise that with Him, better days will come. But how do you keep moving forward?

Lift your eyes past the pain. Even the best life decisions can bring pain and unexpected challenges, but that doesn’t mean they were wrong. Ask God to help you look beyond your current situation and show you where you are going. If you focus on your pain, you’ll lose your will to go on.

Lift your gaze to the Lord. God is bigger than anything you are going through. Jesus is the name above all names (Philippians 2:9). Choose to magnify the Lord above your circumstances, because what you magnify is what holds prominence in your heart and mind.

Remember who is with you. God promises that you are never alone on your journey. The Great I Am is with you; He has not and will not abandon you. Ever. (See Deuteronomy 31:8). He walks beside you even through the valley of death.

Notice that Psalm 23:4 says you are walking through the valley; you aren’t to live there. God will bring you through the darkness in His perfect timing. He will bring what He has begun in your life to completion (Philippians 1:6).

Trust the process. Reaching your intended destination takes time and work. Sometimes, it looks like you’re going in the wrong direction. It might even hurt. Trust the process and refuse to turn back no matter how hard it gets. Don’t panic or retreat when you hit difficulties or life becomes uncomfortable. You can only reach a destination if you stay the course. There are no shortcuts.

Hold on to God’s promises, pray, and draw close. God’s Word never returns void; it goes forth and accomplishes what God says it will do (Isaiah 55:11). Speak the Word over your life. Pray: the fervent prayers of a righteous person bring great results (James 5:16).

And then, draw close to God. He promises to be your comforter, peace, wisdom, guide, strength, joy, and healer. When you seek Him, He’ll reveal Himself in powerful ways (James 4:8) and shower you with loving-kindness and compassion (Psalm 145:9).

Remember where you are going and why. You made the decision to move forward for a reason. It’s usually because you weren’t where you needed to be. Write that reason down so you don’t forget what it was like back there but keep the vision of where you’re going in front of you too. Remember why you want to be there. Let that be your motivation to keep pressing on.

Don’t let emotions dictate your next move. Many feelings arise during intense seasons of pain. Hopelessness, fear, doubt, and confusion are just a few of the dark emotional clouds that will try to overtake you and distort your judgment. They’ll cloud your vision, and you might think you made the wrong choice. Capture those negative thoughts before they capture you (2 Corinthians 10:5).

God’s chosen people experienced some unexpected, tough times in the wilderness, and they let fear convince them that God’s plan was wrong. There they were, steps away from their promised land, begging to go back to slavery and forced labor (Exodus 16:3). Really?!

They complained, grumbled, and outright doubted God—which only led to an extended “in between” season, stuck between Egypt and their destination. God had something so much better in store, if only they would have trusted Him and kept moving forward in obedience.

The same is true for you. Do not be like those who shrink back and are destroyed. Have faith and press on (Hebrews 10:39).

Take one day at a time. If you look at how far you have to go, you’ll be overcome with fear and doubt. Instead, take each day as it comes and remember—the grace of God that got you through yesterday will get you through today, tomorrow, and the next day. His grace is sufficient for every challenge you will face, for as long as you must face it (2 Corinthians 12:9).

And along the way, celebrate the victories, big or small. Thank God for progress.

Surround yourself with wise counsel. It’s essential to have trusted people by your side who can see the bigger picture and who will encourage you. You also need people who will speak the truth in love. Listen to them. Sometimes they can see things you can’t.

Kristi Overton Johnson encourages and equips people for victory through her writings, speaking engagements, and prison ministry. To learn more, go to kojministries.org.

Know the Season You’re In

I was enjoying my first cup of coffee one morning, when I read Proverbs 10:5, which is about living life wisely. Suddenly, I found myself in deep reflection about the seasons of life. I decided that I’m in a season of preparation. 

Some would say I’m in the “twilight years,” the time when people look back on their lives as a whole, with the recognition that their journey, at some point, must end. Everyone dies—no matter how closely we walk with the Savior and how faithfully we serve Him, we will still pass through the valley of death before we reach our eternal home. 

What stirred me to this revelation? I had recently stood at the bedside of a friend who was nearing death. It had been a while since I’d seen him last, and he had withered dramatically in stature. 

The murderous effects of cancer had turned his skin and eyes a pale yellow. The doctor had just brought him his biopsy results and informed him that he had somewhere between 30 and 90 days to live. 

He looked at me through those jaundiced eyes and said, “I’m not buying it. God can still heal me. But if He chooses to take me, I’m ready to go.” 

This was a man who had lived and breathed Jesus. I learned so much from him throughout our years of friendship. He could hardly talk about anything other than his most recent revelations from God. He was a faithful Christ-follower, and his faith and wisdom profoundly affected me. It was tough to see him in such a reduced physical state. 

I had my guitar with me, and I sang a couple of his favorite songs. Tears filled his eyes as he listened intently to the words of “You’ll Never Walk Alone,” and “I Can Only Imagine.” Then, as if God had spoken to him, he turned to me and said, “We’ll be praying for you in heaven.” 

This man had seemed invincible to me. He was a solid, passionate disciple of the Lord Jesus who loved prison ministry and the men he had discipled behind prison walls. I had witnessed miraculous changes in countless lives through his teaching and training in the Word of God. 

Before I left, I kissed his forehead and told him I loved him. The tears flowed again. As I turned to leave, he said, “Tell our friends in prison I love them.” He went on to meet Jesus shortly after this visit. 

My friend was a wise man who recognized the importance of the last season of his life. He knew where he would spend eternity, but his heart remained burdened for souls that needed to hear the Good News of Jesus until his last breath. He understood that many people still needed to know the love of their Savior, Jesus Christ, who had died for them. He also wanted them to know He loved them. 

Hebrews 12:1 tells us to “strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us” (NLT). My friend’s life was the embodiment of this verse. 

I’m 74 now. I’m in the later years, I know, but God still has a race for me to run. To do so, I must continually shed my earthly desires and pleasures. Thankfully, God offers His divine strength to help me shift my focus from satisfying my flesh to pleasing my Lord and loving His people. 

I pray that I will remain courageous in my faith and, like my friend, continue to fight the good fight to finish the race God has set before me (2 Timothy 4:7). I will remind people they are loved to the very end. I hope you’ll do the same, no matter what season of life you’re in. 

KENNY MUNDS takes the good news of God’s love and forgiveness into prisons across America. To learn more about his ministry, go to kennymundsministry.org. 

Prayer: Never A Dropped Call

Technology has been a struggle for me since I got out of prison. When I was locked up in 1989, computers and cell phones weren’t a thing, so it was a shock to my system to walk out into a world where payphones are an extinct species.

During one of my first outings as a free man, I encountered the cell-phone phenomenon. Every person I met seemed to be tethered to one. As I stood in line to get my ID, I noticed how people weren’t talking to each other or paying attention to those around them. Instead, almost every person had their face buried in their phone. I learned that people don’t connect and relate to each other the way they did back in the old days. It was a little discouraging.

“Roy, you’re going to need a cell phone,” a helpful friend insisted. “It’s how everyone communicates these days. Let’s go get you one.” He was right, but I was not interested or excited. It was unfamiliar and uncomfortable.

I’m still not sure what to think of the gadget. Little glitches can be annoying, like when I’m trying to text someone and Autocorrect “helps” me. It will suggest a word that sounds like the one I’m trying to use, but it’s not usually the right one. Pressing Send before making sure my message is clear can prove disastrous. Dropped calls are also a nuisance. There have been times when I was in the middle of a conversation and suddenly the line went dead.

The learning curve with all this new technology has made me grateful to have a direct line of communication with the Creator of the universe. Prayer is mentioned a multitude of times throughout the Bible. Why do you think God talks about it so much? Because He wants us to know how important it is that we have an intimate relationship with Him.

When Jesus walked the earth, prayer was essential in His life. It was His way of staying connected to His Father and focusing on His purpose for being here. He taught His disciples to make it a priority.

Before becoming a Christian, I didn’t think about talking to God. He was the last thing on my mind. But harsh circumstances during my 31-year stay in the Florida Department of Corrections taught me that prayer is perhaps the most critical discipline in a believer’s walk with the Lord. I needed prayer the same way Jesus did. Life was dark and lonely behind those walls, but when I prayed, I felt closer to God.

My prayer time became as important to me as eating, sleeping, walking, and talking. God was never too busy or distracted to spend time with me during all those years, and He is still my closest companion today.

Are you in a dark place and need a reliable friend? Let me encourage you to reach out to God through prayer. Communication through prayer isn’t like cell-phone technology—you will never run out of data, have a failed connection, or experience a dropped call. You will never be an inconvenience to Him either.

God promises to answer when you seek Him (Psalm 34:4–5). You can take all your troubles to Him (Psalm 55:22). He never gets tired of you, and He is always listening (Psalm 116:2–4).

Friend, God knows you better than anyone else does. He cares about every detail of your life, and He will meet you in your prayer time. He loves you, and He wants to hear from you!

Call on Him today (Jeremiah 33:3).

Roy A. Borges served 31 years in the Florida Department of Corrections, where he realized his need for a Savior. While incarcerated, Roy ministered to others through his writings, over 300 of which have been published. He now lives in Tampa, Florida, and is a member of the Victorious Living writing team.

Leave the Missing Pieces to God

When I was little, I was fascinated with solving puzzles. My mom occasionally picked them up for me at yard sales or thrift stores. I always welcomed the challenge of opening a new jigsaw puzzle box, rolling up my sleeves, and getting down to business.

I would pull out all the corners and edges and create the border, then sort out the rest of the pieces by color and background. I arranged them all in little piles around the table so that as I worked, I could be as efficient and strategic as possible.

The top of the box was always propped up in front of me as a guide. It didn’t matter whether it took hours or days; I would study the pieces to determine their perfect fit. I didn’t stop until my masterpiece was complete. My work was done when the picture in front of me mirrored the one on the box.

It was a fun hobby, until the day I took things a little too seriously. I had almost a whole puzzle put together before I realized I had more empty spaces than the two or three pieces that were left on the table. Frustration filled my heart as I grabbed handfuls of puzzle pieces, threw them into the box, and tossed the incomplete puzzle in the trash.

“Why don’t people tell you when pieces are missing?” I lamented to my mom.

She answered me with a question I didn’t like at the time. “Did you have fun?”

“Yes, but that’s not the point!” I argued.

“It’s exactly the point, Christina,” she replied. “If you knew it wasn’t going to come out the way you wanted, you wouldn’t have even tried. You would have missed the fun in the process.” She was right, but I can’t say my young mind received her wisdom that day.

A big struggle for me since my release from prison five years ago has been starting new things without any guarantee that they will work out. I’ve had new relationships, new jobs, and new priorities…and some days, those things were scary.

The process of living this new way of life has been a lot like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. On most days, I’ve meticulously arranged the details and decisions ahead of me and have a good strategy in mind for accomplishing my plans. But then things don’t turn out the way I envisioned.

Somehow there’s another missing puzzle to hinder my progress. Sometimes I lack all the facts of a situation, or I maybe expect things of others or myself that I shouldn’t.

Even at age 50, I can find myself annoyed with uncertainty like I did as a child. I’m grateful for grace because I often fail here. I’m also grateful for the reliable source of wisdom I have that I can turn to when I’m grappling with a different outcome than I expected.

Quitting is not an option anymore, so during those moments of disappointment or frustration, Proverbs 19:21 helps me look at things from a more mature perspective: “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” This verse reminds me of my mom’s encouraging words during that mini tantrum so many years ago.

The Lord knows the end from the beginning. He has a purpose for allowing every outcome, and our job is to trust Him even when all we can see is an incomplete picture (2 Corinthians 5:7).

Maybe the puzzle you’re trying to solve today is missing a few pieces too. It’s okay. Just remember that God holds your whole life in His hands, even the details you can’t see.

Don’t get caught up in what you expect the finished picture to be. There are lessons and moments of joy in your journey that you would miss if the Lord revealed everything at once. If you knew the process, you might not choose to do the hard things, but then you’d miss the beauty on the way.

Trust God to give you what you need to do your part and leave the missing pieces to Him.

Christina Kimbrel serves as VL’s production manager. Once incarcerated, she now ministers hope to those held captive by their past and current circumstances while sharing the message of healing she found in Jesus.

God’s Mercy Set This People Pleaser Free

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, a people pleaser is “a person who has an emotional need to please others.” I am surprised that my picture isn’t right next to that definition because this has been a big problem in my life.

When I decided to take a closer look at myself and this issue, I discovered a hard truth. Most people pleasers are selfish, and I was no exception.

Sure, I cared about others. But that was not the driving force behind my decisions. I did things for other people so they would like me. I volunteered for all the jobs at my children’s schools so everyone would think I was a “together mom.”

I tried to make perfect dinners for my guests so they would think I was a good cook. I attempted (pretty big emphasis on attempt) to keep my house tidy so others would think I was a good housekeeper. At work, I offered ideas and went out of my way to help with projects so my coworkers would think I was smart. And when my relationships with family and friends were rocky, I spent a lot of time trying to fix them.

Quite simply, my motivation for almost everything I did was not in the right place. I was only worried about myself. My life was all about my selfish need to be accepted and admired by the world. I was living to please people, not God, and Jesus warns us against this throughout His Word. (See John 12:43; Galatians 1:10; Philippians 2:3–4.)

I can tell you the exact moment I realized this had to change.

I was stuck in a traffic jam and praying about a relationship I could not fix. No matter what I did, my relationship with this person remained broken. I was praying about how I wished this relationship could become an example of forgiveness and grace. And at that moment, the Lord prompted me, “Turn your heart to Me.”

As I type these words, they look absurdly simple and not a great epiphany. But truthfully, for me, they were. That moment is when I began to wonder what my life would look like if I focused more on God than I did worrying about what other people thought of me. More importantly, I wondered how it might strengthen my relationship with the Lord. (See Ecclesiastes 2:26; Colossians 1:10.)

I remembered the words to an old hymn by Helen Howarth Lemmel:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace

After that moment, I committed myself to more time with the Lord. I devoted myself to more intimate prayer time and reading and meditating on His Word. And as a result, I received overwhelming grace and mercy from the Father as I repented for my misplaced motives.

James 2:13 NIV says, “Mercy triumphs over judgment.” Oh, it does. Receiving God’s mercy for my sin helped me learn to ignore the opinions of others. Somehow, it became necessary to forgive those who might have unfairly judged me instead of working harder to gain their acceptance. As a result, my time sitting in the Lord’s presence became a blessing, new ministry opportunities opened, and I received a calming peace in my spirit.

Friend, if you struggle with people pleasing, I encourage you to “turn your eyes upon Jesus” today. The joy, peace, and mercy the Lord pours over you will be precious. You will experience His steadfast love as you walk in His faithfulness (Psalm 26:2–3), and you will notice that your concern for others’ needs will become more significant than your need for their approval.

Kristi Dews Dale is a wife and the mother of four amazing children. She holds a master’s degree in public health and is an adjunct business instructor at a local college.

Follow His Voice

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

For years, a long walk around my neighborhood had been part of my daily schedule. It’s one of my favorite ways to spend time in prayer and connect with God. One morning, planning to take my regular route, I prepared my usual supplies: water, a towel, and sun protection. I was doing the same thing I did every morning, but this day was about to become anything but routine.

As I headed out my front door, something told me to take a different route. I hesitated at the idea of a new adventure, but I couldn’t resist the prompting to take the same path I always did, just in the opposite direction. The trail I use makes a big circle around my neighborhood, I knew it well. I thought. Walking this new way immediately showed me new things I’d never seen before.

At first, I lost my sense of direction. I knew I was on the right path, but things looked so different that, for a minute, I was disoriented. Once I got my bearings, I noticed stuff I’d never seen before. Walking in the opposite direction brought me a fresh perspective on so many things.

I realized I had missed a lot of vital signs during my routine walk because I always saw them from behind. “Do Not Enter when Flooded.” “Speed Bump Ahead.” “Caution.” “Uneven Sidewalks.” “Beware of Snakes.” I was astounded. For years, I had missed vital information that I needed to be aware of for my safety.

As I built up my momentum, the path seemed more manageable. I didn’t struggle going uphill on the sidewalks, and the sun was against my back, so I wasn’t getting flushed or pouring sweat. Familiar landmarks appeared, and I realized that despite the fear and doubt I’d had at the beginning of this walk, the path I was on still led me home.

Walking in the opposite direction and changing my view made me more alert. I paid more attention to the signs and looked behind me to remind myself where I had been.

As I returned home that day, the Lord reminded me of how, in His Word, He uses the symbolism of a walk to describe the way we grow in our relationship with Jesus. We might start out by sticking to what we know, afraid to let go of what’s comfortable even though it’s bad for us. We’ll likely continue moving in our own direction, but we’re deceived if we think we know better than God what’s best for us.

When Jesus comes into your heart and life, He beckons you to walk in a new direction. At first, it might seem scary, unpredictable, or challenging. You might feel completely confused, like I did that morning when I changed course. Don’t be discouraged. It doesn’t mean you’re on the wrong path. God promises to go ahead of you and fight for you (Deuteronomy 1:30). He’ll protect you from behind (Isaiah 52:12). If God asks you to move to the right or to the left on the narrow path, you can do it knowing He will never leave you or forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6).

Listen for His voice. Take one step at a time toward the good plan and purpose He has for your life (Jeremiah 29:11). Your faith and confidence will grow as you discover that our Lord is good, and He wants only what is best for you.

Are you ready to walk in the direction of eternal life that His work on the cross has secured for you? Jesus is waiting to offer you grace and mercy, and He wants nothing more than to guide you home to a place of safety in His arms where you can rest.

Julie Engstrom  is a wife and mom who uses her gifts of teaching and encouragement to help other women find and embrace their identity in Christ.

Declutter Your Heart

When I was a little girl, I had an old wooden chest where I stored my favorite toys and treasures. I loved collecting things, but I also loved holding on to them, sometimes for way too long.

As the chest got full, many items got crushed. Soon the chest would overflow, and my room would become cluttered. Then my mother would make me go through the chest and get rid of stuff. I resisted at first until I realized that made room for new and exciting items.

This cycle became a familiar pattern throughout my childhood. To this day, I still hold on to things too long. And not only things but emotions too, and it is an unhealthy habit. I often hoard and suppress my feelings. When I do, my heart becomes crowded, and, like that old chest, I feel crushed on the inside, especially when what I am holding onto is unpleasant. The clutter within can be mentally and emotionally overwhelming.

The more upset I am about a subject, the harder it is to open up and share my feelings or any details of that struggle. When friends ask how I’m doing, I muster the most cheerful and confident voice I can find and defer to the age-old nonresponse, “I’m fine!” That answer is usually the furthest thing from the truth, but I feel compelled to hold tightly to whatever is troubling me.

I’m sure you can relate. Most of us don’t like to share the details of our lives with others, not even our closest friends. Instead, we keep the issue bottled up inside. There are many reasons we do this, each unique to the situation and the persons involved. We fear being misunderstood, rejected, judged, or worse. And so we isolate ourselves and our issues from others.

I am so thankful that even though we sometimes feel alone in our struggles, we are not. There is always Someone we can turn to for comfort—and that’s our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. The Bible promises that He is the only One we need in times of trouble (Psalm 46:1; Psalm 91). First Peter 5:7 says we can “give all [our] worries and cares to God, for he cares about [us]” (NLT).

No matter how hard we try to hide our issues from those around us, there is no hiding from the One who loves us the most. God knew us first, and He knows us best. God says in Jeremiah 1:5, “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb” (NLT). God knows our innermost thoughts and hurts, and He wants to comfort us.

Second Corinthians 1:3–4 states, “God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us” (NLT).

Tears often stream from my eyes when I face difficulties, but I am grateful for the reassurance in Romans 8:26 that He knows our hearts even when we don’t have the words to speak. Psalm 56:8 tells us that God keeps track of our sorrows. He collects our tears in a bottle and records each one in His book. He knows, and He loves us despite the trials. Even when we’ve brought them on ourselves.

No matter what you’re facing, you can find comfort in knowing that the One who knows you best is the One who will support you in your most vulnerable moments. Invite Jesus in. Open your overflowing storage chest and release your pain and worries, fears and tears to the One you can fully trust.

He’ll take your burdens and give you the peace you need to declutter your heart and mind. And you’ll be freed up to receive His beautiful blessings.

CARLA OWENS loves the Lord and seeks daily to know Him more intimately. She is the director of Victorious Living’s Prison Correspondence Team.

Put Down the Walls

It’s a blessing to be raised in the knowledge of Jesus and His love. It’s even more of a blessing when you receive it for yourself. That’s when God’s love heals and changes you.

I was a preacher’s kid who, from the age of six, led worship. I stood on a stage with a microphone in hand and sang my little heart out. Every family activity revolved around the church.

From the outside, our life seemed good. Our family did what church people were supposed to do, especially in serving others. But behind closed doors, our home life wasn’t so perfect.

My mom was my best friend, and we had a great relationship. My father was a good man, but he often brought chaos into our home.

Dad could be such a godly and gentle man, then suddenly become angry and harsh. Years of violent seizures brought on by epilepsy had impacted my father’s mental state. It seemed that each episode took a part of my father with it.

Dad was a church planter, and when I was 11, our family moved to North Carolina to start a new church. We moved into a tiny house with thin walls, and I could hear every word my parents spoke. Some days, they argued for hours. The discord between them was unnerving.

Due to his condition, Dad wasn’t sup­posed to drive. But he was stubborn and refused to hang up his keys, even though he’d had several accidents. Trips to the hospital were routine for our family, but somehow, he always emerged unscathed.

And then, when I was 12 years old, Dad was in another car accident. At first, I wasn’t worried. “He’ll be okay,” I thought. He always made it home. But I soon learned that Dad wasn’t coming home—he had been killed instantly.

News of his death turned my life upside down. Daddy was gone, and although life with him hadn’t been easy, I couldn’t imagine living without him.

All I could think of was our last inter­action. We had argued that morning, and although I couldn’t remember our exact words, I knew they weren’t good. And now I would never have the chance to make it right, to say I was sorry, or to tell him good­bye. I felt paralyzed with shame.

My mother was overcome with grief. She’d loved my father, even though their relationship had often been strained. They had been married for 24 years, and now he was gone.

I hated seeing her suffer, and suddenly feeling responsible for her well-being, I decided I would be a solid anchor point for her from that day forward. That’s an enormous burden for a child to carry.

Being an anchor required me to stifle my own grief. I was determined not to be a burden for anyone, especially Mom. So I put a smile on my face and went back to leading music at church. I did my best to ignore how I felt.

I didn’t tell anyone about my pain. In fact, I didn’t even cry for a whole year. But inwardly, I was asking questions primar­ily directed at God. “Why are things like this? Why did Dad suffer from seizures and have to die? Why does Mom have to raise me alone?”

And then there was the big question: “Why did You do this to me, God?”

I couldn’t imagine any reason other than I must have done something wrong. Surely God was punishing me. My shame increased as I decided my father’s death must be my fault. These questions echoed in my heart daily, and when I didn’t get any answers, a seed of anger took root. Over time, my heart hardened toward God.

I never doubted God’s existence, but the more I thought about Him, the less I be­lieved He actually loved me. Bitterness took hold. Soon my young mind had concluded that God was just some guy in the sky who had killed my dad. I remembered the verse about the Lord giving and the Lord taking away. He had taken away, all right!

For two years, I stewed privately. Isola­tion, coupled with anger and shame, can take a person down a dark road—even a child. I allowed steep walls to close me in emotionally, but few people noticed. At the age of 14, I imploded. I became depressed and suicidal. I began inflicting self-harm through cutting.

Outside of the home, I put on a good front. After all, aren’t church people supposed to act like everything’s okay? That’s what had been modeled in all the churches I had attended. It seemed shameful to not be okay. Plus, I didn’t want all those self-righteous people judging me. The one person I couldn’t fool, though, was my mom. She saw through my façade.

I was deathly afraid to be apart from her, so I stayed as close as I could. What if God decided to take her too? I imagined she’d get cancer or get in an accident. Or maybe He’d let something happen to me, and she’d be all alone. These scenarios plagued my mind.

I found comfort in food, and over the next year, I gained 45 pounds. Of course, that only added to my shame; I became so self-conscious. Thankfully, Mom cared enough to take me to therapy and to see a doctor.

Through high school, I lived on a roller coaster of emotions. In my higher moments, I thought about what I could do with my life. I wanted to make my father proud, so I decided to go to seminary. I was accepted and given a scholarship to attend.

But I wasn’t there three days before I had a panic attack. I immediately dropped out, packed my car, and drove to the hotel where my mother was staying. My faithful companion, shame, followed me there. I mean, who drops out of school and forfeits a scholarship after three days? Only a failure, I imagined.

Before going to seminary, I had fallen in love. He was my first real boyfriend, and I thought he held the moon. I desperately needed someone to love me, to think I was great, and to tell me I was beautiful. I found all those things in him. Before long, we were engaged.

I applied to a local college, determined to get a de­gree in something—anything. About the same time, I started attending a new church, Opendoor.

It was the first time I remember being ministered to by others in the church. I had always been on the stage singing, even when going through dark mo­ments. But there in that seat, still before the Lord, God’s Spirit touched me. I began to weep as years of grief, shame, and pain erupted from my soul.

Open before the Lord, I sensed Him revealing how He had created me to worship Him. He had given me a gift. I was caught off-guard by the Lord’s comforting presence and His small, still voice. Maybe He wasn’t a big guy in the sky who was out to get me after all. I sensed Him inviting me into an authentic relationship with the Creator of the universe. And I accepted.

For the next six months, the Spirit of God began to bring light and order to the darkness of my life, just as He had to the world in Genesis 1:2. And then, gently, He began to deal with me about my fiancé.

I knew this guy wasn’t God’s choice for me, but at 19, getting married seemed like the thing to do. There were many warning signs, but I stub­bornly ignored them. I also ignored the godly wisdom of others. As a result, I experienced trauma that brought much shame back into my life. I became that shut-off, scared-to-death, 12-year-old girl all over again. And I no longer sensed God’s presence or the work of His Spirit in my life.

I know now that God’s Spirit didn’t leave me—I had turned from Him. Like Adam and Eve, I had hidden from God because of my shame (Gen­esis 3:8). I kept attending church, but I closed off my heart from God and other people. Thankfully, God pursued me.

During a season of corporate prayer and fasting at our church, I sensed the Lord’s presence again. Inwardly, I heard Him speak to me about my relationship with my fiancé. “If you marry him, I’ll bless you,” the Lord said. “But if you don’t marry him, I’ll abundantly bless you.”

It was like God was saying to me, “Hey, I see you, child. I know your thoughts, fears, and desires. I know your pain, too, and I want to take that pain from you. I also want to bless you beyond your wildest dreams.

“Mary Beth, I’m not angry with you. I’ve never been angry, nor am I a God who punishes you by taking away your father or causing other bad things to happen. I am the giver of life who has good things in store for you. But know this: this marriage will not lead to the abundant blessings I have in store for you.”

Not long after, I broke off the engagement. But I continued to date my now boyfriend for almost a year longer. God had given me a way out, permission to leave, but I hadn’t taken it.

I stayed with him for several more months. I wanted out, but I couldn’t find the courage to end the relationship because I believed the lie that no one would ever love me but him.

Fear and shame kept me bound. Satan loves to hold us hostage to deadly emotions so that we isolate ourselves from God’s love.

Thankfully, God highlighted my fragile self to leaders at my church, and they took me under their wings. I felt safe with them and let down the walls around my heart. Being with these authentic Christ-followers helped me find the courage to choose God’s best for my life, and I finally left that unhealthy relationship.

Allowing myself to feel and face emotions with God and His people brought healing. The minute I put down the façade and said, “No, I’m not okay,” was when God’s complete and tangible presence became so evident. And in His presence, I was made whole.

I wish I could say that I don’t ever expe­rience shame or unworthiness anymore. I can’t—those emotions still raise their ugly heads now and then. But God has stayed close and continually helps me unravel my thought patterns so that I can tear down the shame-filled lies and rebuild my mind on His truth.

And here’s the truth. God was never punishing me; He was never angry at me.

Now on the other side of that pain, I can see God’s constant love and presence in my life. He’s always been there guiding, protecting, and providing for me, even during the dark, painful moments of my life. The Holy Spirit has held my hand and fought my battles.

And God has been faithful to His promise and abundantly blessed me. One blessing is the healthy relationship I now have with a godly man. He loves me as God intends and encourages me in my relationship with the Lord.

I pray you will choose God’s abundant blessings. If you’re afraid, ask the Holy Spirit to help you. Philippians 2:13 prom­ises that God will not only give you the desire to follow Him, but the power to do what pleases Him too.

You are not alone. God is holding your hand and fighting your battles. Embrace that truth and open yourself to Him. You can trust Him with your past, present, and future. Those who trust in the Lord will never be put to shame (Isaiah 49:23).

Don’t fall into Satan’s trap and isolate yourself from God. And don’t settle for Sa­tan’s lies. Come out of hiding. It’s okay to not have all the answers. It’s okay to admit that you’re not okay. The moment you put down your walls and open your heart to God, you’ll find freedom and healing. Pro­cessing trauma and emotions takes time, but it is worth the investment.

Mary Beth Barefoot serves on the creative team at Opendoor Church. She shares her story in hopes that people will overcome shame and step into healthy, authentic relationships with God and His people.

Seek God, Not Revenge

If we don’t take our pain to the Lord, we can be destroyed. I learned this the hard way through an unexpected and violent attack on my person. I didn’t pro­cess the event well and, over the years, my mental and physical health suffered. I in­ternalized stress and eventually developed viral arthritis and depression. It was to the point that I was barely able to get out of bed before God intervened and helped me find freedom from my self-inflicted prison of anger, frustration, self-pity, and resent­ment. His love led me to a place of peace.

I had been raised in the church and had received Jesus as my Savior when I was 11. As an adult, I went to church regularly and called myself a Christian. But it wasn’t until these dark times happened that my need for a personal relationship with the Lord came to light and I finally became aware that Jesus was my only hope out of the darkness.

Thankfully, my church family and friends were praying for me. Their prayers sustained me. I could sense the Lord’s love keeping me close.

There is so much to this part of my story, but the details are not relevant here. I was a struggling single mom, facing difficult challenges. I didn’t think life could get any worse, but then the unthinkable happened.

I was worried for my safety, but I need­ed time alone to think, so I decided to go for a drive to clear my head. Before long, I noticed a white truck following closely behind me. The driver flashed his lights.

I grew uneasy. Something didn’t feel right, so I decided to turn, hoping the driver would continue straight. Instead, he made the turn behind me, and I decided to go to my friend Sarah’s house, who lived just a short distance away. Surely when I pulled into her driveway, whoever was behind me would be scared away.

I was relieved to see that Sarah’s garage light was on. I swung the car into her drive­way, hopped out, and quickly made my way to her front porch. But before I could reach the steps, the man who’d been driv­ing the truck jumped me and threw me to the ground. The last thing I remember is him sitting on top of me and reaching for his belt.

“He’s going to rape me,” I thought, and then everything went black.

I have no idea how much time passed or what happened to me in those moments. When I came to, I was sitting in my car, alone and confused. I took inventory of my surroundings and saw my purse and keys sitting on the seat next to me. Nothing had been stolen.

“Pull yourself together!” I told myself. Then the words, “Get to Pam’s house,” came to mind. Pam was a dear friend who worked at the hospital. She would know what to do.

I cranked the car and started driving to­ward her home. As I went, I became disori­ented and felt like I was driving in a maze.

“God, help me!” I prayed. It was about a five-mile drive to Pam’s, a very familiar route, but I knew if God didn’t intervene, I wasn’t going to get there.

After I prayed, God Himself or perhaps an angel must have taken the wheel. In the blink of an eye, I was at my destination, and I have no idea how I got there. I believe I was in and out of consciousness during that time.

When I pulled into Pam’s driveway, she was in her front yard talking to Sarah, who happened to be visiting. Amazingly, Sarah had been at Pam’s house while I was being attacked in her front yard.

Pam looked confused as I called out to her from my rolled-down car window. She later told me that she had recognized my car, but not my face.

“Debbie, is that you? Oh my God!” Pam screamed and ran toward me. Fortunately, I hadn’t looked in the rearview mirror, so I had no idea how badly I’d been beaten. My face was disfigured and covered with blood. Pam got me out of the car and as­sessed the situation. Then she and Sarah rushed me to the hospital.

Soon, detectives were standing by my bed, asking questions to which I had no answers. The hospital staff administered a rape kit. It returned negative, but my face was fractured and cut in many places.

Bad news travels fast, especially when you live in a small town. My church fam­ily, friends, and even strangers who had heard of the attack began praying for my physical and emotional healing. God heard those prayers, and He moved in miracu­lous ways.

The first evidence of that was the incred­ible speed at which I healed physically. A mere two weeks after the attack, my face was completely whole. Not one scar was left behind from the attack. Also, I suffered no lingering physical pain or headaches from the beating. The doctors were amazed, as were those who came to visit me. Everyone could see that God was at work as my face healed right before their eyes.

The Lord also healed me emotionally, although this healing took longer than the physical one. As you can imagine, a vicious physical attack also inflicts many invisible, emotional scars. Fear, anxiety, and a deep need to understand tormented me.

I wanted answers. I had been attacked and had almost lost my life. Why?! It was terrifying to know that whoever was behind the attack was roaming free, and it was un­just. But God intervened and released me from that emotional prison as well.

Most people would say I deserved an­swers and justice. But was my right to know the answers and to obtain justice worth my health and sanity? Was it worth iso­lating myself in a prison of bitterness and revenge? And then God laid before me a choice of life or death.

He said, “Debbie, you can trust Me, or you can lose your mind. Which will it be?”

In a moment of clarity, I suddenly un­derstood that continuing down this road of “rights” would cost me and those I loved everything and would bring much trouble (Hebrews 12:15).

Godly counseling helped me process my thoughts and choose God’s better way. I took my need to know and my desire for justice and handed them over to Him, trusting that He would fight my battles and provide any answers I needed. As a result, I found peace of mind.

Proverbs 3:5–6 promises that if I trust the Lord and refrain from depending on my own understanding and seek His will, God will show me the path to take. He did, and He will help me walk that path too. God is always faithful to His Word.

Since the day I trusted Him, I have been able to move forward in life. I still don’t know the how, why, who, or what, and maybe that’s God’s way of protecting me. Who knows? But here’s what I do know: I don’t need all the answers when I have the Lord. My relationship with Him and the peace He gives me is way more important than fighting for my rights. His peace is my power. He is the protector of my heart and mind (Philippians 4:7).

Whatever you’ve been through, I want you to know that God loves you. You can trust His love for you. He knows what hap­pened to you, and He cares.

Sometimes after we go through terrible abuses, rejections, and traumatic events, we are tempted to believe that God doesn’t love us or that He is absent. I see it differ­ently now. God was not missing the day I was attacked. He was right there with me, protecting, helping, and healing me. God is the only reason I am alive.

He is the reason you are still alive too. Don’t be fooled. Every day, countless peo­ple are destroyed because they believe the lie that God doesn’t care. They fight for answers and revenge, and in the process, they imprison themselves. Don’t be one of them. Choose to trust God and live.

Don’t forfeit the good things God wants to give you now by hanging on to your past. Surrender your questions, your accusers, and even your attackers to the Lord. Cry out to Him, the only One who can vindicate you (Psalm 57:2–3).

There are some injustices you’ll never be able to right, but God can. And that’s His job. What’s your job? Your job is to trust and obey Him and to pray for, forgive, and bless your enemies (Matthew 5:44, 6:12, 18:21–22). It’s not easy, but it’s worth the reward.

As you obey Him, “the Lord your God will restore your fortunes. He will have mercy on you and gather you back from all the [places] where he has scattered you.” (Deuteronomy 30:3 NLT). He picked up my pieces and made me whole. He will do the same for you.

It’s interesting to me that the morning of the attack, I had asked God for a powerful testimony. I had wanted to be able to stand before people and share His goodness.

Well, now I can.

Please don’t misunderstand. I am not saying that God sent that man to attack me. The enemy wanted to destroy me; God is the giver of life. But God used that experience to help me know His faithful love in new ways. The experience has also given me more compassion for others.

As you trust the Lord with your pain, you will come to know His love and comfort too. Don’t forget to share your story. Tell others how the Lord put your shattered life back together. People need to know that He is alive and able to restore their lives. You have a unique experience that can help them see that truth. Ask God to help you. He will place His power on your words and make them relatable so they can penetrate the hearts of others. With God, your story will draw many people to His saving grace and defeat the enemy (Revelation 12:11).

It’ll be scary at first. I was terrified the first time I shared my testimony in front of a group of people. But as I persevered, the Lord helped me, and several came to know the God of comfort for themselves (2 Corinthians 1:3–7).

Remembering God’s faithfulness in the past will strengthen your faith and enable you to face new trials. Trusting God will bring you to a place of protection, healing, and peace. It is the key to unlocking the door of your self-inflicted emotional, mental, and physical prisons.

Give God the pieces of your depressed and shattered life and let Him restore you to wholeness.

DEBBIE SANDERS retired from a 33-year career at East Carolina University and now ministers the hope of Jesus through music and the sharing of her miraculous story in the US and abroad. She is a wife, mother, and grandmother who has a heart for evangelism and introducing others to the restorative power of Jesus Christ.